Dear Pastor,

I am an American and I have been seeing a Jamaican man for several years. His wife has passed away for about the same period of time that we have been seeing each other. Everything in the house is the same way as it was before she passed away. I have a key to his house and, as a result, I come and go as I please.

The problem is, I have cooked for him, and he has eaten from me but always has something negative to say. His comments and his remarks are sometimes so very hurtful. I remember, distinctly, there was a day in the winter so, yes, it was very cold and, as such, I decided to make him a big pot of soup with chicken and dumplings and such I put so much love and tender loving care into it. He refused to eat it, saying he only drinks soup when he is sick and he especially doesn't drink it on Sundays.

incapable

Well, food is food to me. I didn't think that your stomach knows what day it is when hungry. What upset me was that he made a joke out of it with his friends and family. I haven't cooked for him since but I miss it. I miss not being able to take care of my man. I feel as though he robbed me of that opportunity and it makes me, as a woman, look as if I am incapable of taking care of a man, my man.

I was married for several years and my husband had to have a hot plate of food on the table every night. Pastor, is this a cultural thing, or should I consider this rudeness? Should I try again?

Please give me your advice.

B.C., United States

Dear B.C.,

This man is still missing his wife. To say he is mourning might be taking it to the extreme but he still loves his deceased wife. He is comparing everything you do to what she used to do. He hasn't changed anything in the house from the way it was when his wife was alive. That house was her house and, in his mind, it is still her house. Although the day will come when a new woman (probably you) will change things, it has to be done with his permission.

Hear me now, this man loves you and appreciates you. Believe me, he loves your cooking but what he should have told you is that, in Jamaica, most families, on a Sunday, cook rice and peas and chicken, etc. and not soup. Soup day is on Saturdays. You were not aware of that because you did your very best to make him the best pot of soup and he refused to participate. Now, he has made a joke about it to his friends but, he didn't do so to belittle you. He was only trying to tell them that he did not expect soup on a Sunday because that is not the Jamaican way.

Show the man love. Tell him that after writing to me you understand much better why he did not eat the soup. Stick with him. He will learn from you and you will learn from him but don't push him to accept what you think is right.

Pastor