Dear Pastor,

Greetings to you. I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 10 years now. Ten years ago, he left Jamaica and went to England to see if he could make a better life there. He got married while there. This was for him to get his papers. He is still married to this woman. But, he tells me he is very unhappy with her and he doesn't love her. So why is he still there?

He comes to Jamaica regularly. We now have a little girl. She is 3 years old. He has six children altogether in Jamaica. But, he recently sent for one. He and his wife have no children together. I believe that if this woman really loves him as she says she does, she would have had a child for him by now. He has built a house here. I stay at the house, but I want my man to come home. Why doesn't he leave her and come home so we can build a life together?

I am a Seventh Day Adventist and I go to church weekly. His wife is very angry with me but I cannot help it. She told me that she is the wife and what goes around, comes round.

matrimonial home

I know he is not being truthful, but when he comes to Jamaica, we become a family. His wife does not come very often. The last time she came here, I was so angry. When she was here, she called me and told me to stop calling him but, pastor, I can't. He is good to me and to our child. His wife told me to give back the keys to the matrimonial home, but the last time I checked, it's his house.

I should feel guilty as a woman of God and a teacher. What example am I setting where my students and my child are concerned? I try to make sure I call him when I know he is at home. This upsets her. So, when he is talking to me, he sounds distant.

just for comfort

What do I do? It has been 10 years now. I am pretty sure that he must have got his papers by now. I am a good person and I know that he cares for me. He has lots of money but I don't care about that. Let me tell you something, I do take lots of money from him because I feel as if I am taking it from her and from her children and that makes me feel good.

I have to also confess that I do have a man who I sleep with from time to time. It is nothing serious, it's just for comfort. Is it wrong for me to be doing it? He is not married and he really "checks" for me. My man in England knows nothing of this. And, it has to remain that way.

I am seeking your advice, pastor. Thank you.

V.S., St Elizabeth, Jamaica

Dear V.S.,

You have declared that you are a school teacher. So you are an educated woman. But, it is either that you don't have any common sense or the love that you have for this man has devastated you. So you cannot even think straight. Somehow, this man has been able to "pull the wool over your eyes," and has caused you to believe his lies.

This man has bamboozled you. Perhaps when he left Jamaica and told you that he was going to England to make a better life, he meant it. But, he went to England and found a woman who helped him and he married her while making a fool of you by telling you that he did it just to get his papers. He lied to you! And he continues to lie to you. It has been ten years that he has been with this woman and if he wanted to leave her, he has had more than enough time.

He likes what he is getting from this woman. He loves his wife. He doesn't have to have children with her. Perhaps that was an agreement he had before he married her. You made yourself available, so he impregnated you. You have what you wanted and that is a child. And you probably believe that by having a child by him, he would have left his wife and come home to you. I repeat, he has bamboozled you.

another man

But come to think about it, seriously, you are having a sexual relationship with another man in Jamaica while you are giving your child's father the impression that all is well between the both of you. Yes, madam, you are giving the man 'sticks,' and getting a lot of money from him. What a woman! You are also living in his house for free. No wonder you want him to give up his wife in England.

Bear in mind that the man's wife has a right to tell you that you should leave her husband alone. She is his wife! And she has a right to be with him whenever he comes to Jamaica. So why should you be upset, when the woman travels with her husband?

I suggest that you try and get a house of your own. Tell this man that you realise that he is not going to leave his wife for you. Tell him that as a Christian you would love to really serve the Lord, so you're asking him to help you purchase a house where your daughter and yourself can live in peace. By doing so, you will be able to marry the man you are now seeing and your conscience will not have to bother you when you go to church on the Sabbath Day.

Pastor