Dear Pastor,

I am at the point of confusion in my life. I need your advice desperately. I have been in a relationship for 24 years. I have been married almost 20 years with two children. Over the years my husband has cheated consistently, and as a result has three children outside the marriage with two women. Everyone thinks it could be even more. He continues to cheat and becomes verbally and physically abusive whenever I speak with anyone of the opposite sex.

high phone bills

He is constantly on the phone with girls, which leads to high phone bills. I was not allowed to go anywhere on vacation without him, yet he was always travelling back and forth out of the country every two months. As a result, I filed for divorce, but he has refused to sign the papers.

I almost lost my sanity through the years, and developed several stress-related illnesses, but finally decided to take control of my life last year. I am an independent professional and able to financially support myself.

My biggest problem is I am not in love with him anymore, and he is obsessed with me, according to his own admission. He is now willing to do anything for me, but sadly, all my feelings for him have died. We still live together, which is often a nightmare, because he is very intrusive.

A few months ago, I tried to work on our marriage. I am seriously feeling as if I am suffocating in this relationship. I honestly feel I did my part in forgiving too many times to save this marriage. This is the first time that I feel like moving on with my life, either alone, or with someone else.

controlling

He is very controlling over the assets we own. Every decision has to be his, and to him, my ideas are dumb and I am going to be poor when I am old. His favourite words are "You would be nothing without me." I contribute financially to everything. I have everything money can buy, yet I lack the most important thing, happiness. I feel as if I am a prisoner in my own home.

K.S., United States

Dear K.S.,

Some educated men say dumb things. It is not only uneducated men who talk as fools. A wise man would not tell his wife she would be nothing without him. Some women have done very well without the help of husbands. On the other hand, some women have suffered severely after they were divorced.

pros and cons

A woman has to weigh the pros and the cons before she files for a divorce. Let me add quickly, there are men who have pretty well come to nothing after their wives divorced them. So, it is not only the women who should consider carefully the negatives or the positives, men ought to do that too. As a counsellor, I have seen men, who have lost everything after they have been divorced.

When I say everything, I mean everything, house, money and health. Everything should be done to save a marriage, but not all marriages can be saved, so people should go their separate ways. If you have done everything to keep your man and he has continued to be wild and to treat you with contempt, you should make sure at the end of the day, so to speak, you would be better off divorced, than married.

Pastor