Dear Pastor,

I am a frequent reader of your column and I would like your fatherly advice to solve this problem I am experiencing.

I am in a relationship in which I am very unhappy. I feel depressed and frustrated almost all the time. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been together for four years and he treats me really well. In 2007 his father became ill and that was when the relationship started to go sour. He visited me regularly but all of a sudden I seldom saw him. The nice things he would do for me, he stopped doing them.

This year, however, his father died and this is where, for him, I became extinct. He stopped visiting me completely. He called me often, even when his father was ill, but nowadays two to three days pass before I get a phone call from him. He doesn't talk to me the way he usually does. He embarrasses me most of the times we are having conversations. It also seems he is happier with his friends than with me because he treats them better. I feel as if he is blaming me for his father's death.

Every time I try to talk to him about my feelings he acts as if he doesn't care because he is non-responsive. I have asked him on numerous occasions if he still wants the relationship, and he says he does, but his actions state otherwise. He even said he still loves me but has some things to sort out. We were even engaged and the wedding date was also set, but he says he is not sure anymore.

pushes me away

I know he is grieving but it has been six months now and he doesn't seem to be coming around at all. It seems as if he is not even trying to get over it. I know there is no time limit for a person to get over grieving, but I just can't stand the way he operates. Every time I try to be there for him, he pushes me away.

I really love this guy and I just can't imagine my life without him but there is too much drama in this relationship. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me or care about my feelings. I don't want to force his grieving process or to try to coerce him into anything for that matter. At the same time I don't want to be waiting around for him and he doesn't want to be with me or, even worse, move on with someone else.

I await your reply.

Frustrated and Depressed, Portland, Jamaica

Dear Frustrated,

The intelligent way to deal with this matter is to suggest to your boyfriend that you both go to see a family counsellor; and have sessions to determine whether the problems you are having can be resolved or you should go your separate ways.

If this man was close to his father, as you seem to have indicated, his passing would naturally affect him. However, that should not cause him to ignore or insult you, even before his friends. As I see it, you are not asking him for much, only a little of his time.

Please do not become intimate with any other man unless, of course, this man tells you the relationship is over, or you are fully convinced, in your mind you are wasting your time with him.

Pastor