Dear Pastor,

I am writing you with a broken heart and tear-filled eyes. I am 27 years old, and I have been married for the past seven years. I have two children, ages one and five. I am an hard-working individual with a university degree, and I am currently studying. My life is a drama, so much so that I don't know how I still breathe from day to day.

My husband takes home visitors without my knowledge. We sleep in the same bed but rarely have sex. He does not regard me in any way whatsoever. When we got married, he had a friend, whom I believe is his woman because she harassed me by phone for four years. But, this was "cool" with him. He said and did absolutely nothing. He even told me she slaughtered me and trashed me because she referred to me as an idiot. What she has said about me hurts up until today. He told me all she said about me, while we were in the car one day on my way to work. I held back the tears, but I could not contain it when I stepped out of the car, as I burst into tears at work.

The woman even came into my workplace and sent her friend to me, but my manager was also my friend and knew what was going on, and called me away from my station to avoid any altercations. My husband was extremely angry when I informed the woman's boss of her behaviour and the manner in which she was harassing me. This woman even told me that I am the one who stole her man and got pregnant just to keep him. There was indecent language and hostile threats of how she was going to kill me.

Things grew worse

One day, about two months after my wedding, I told my husband to make up his mind and choose who he wants. He assured me prior to us getting married that I was his only woman and so on, but I later doubted him because this woman sent me a text on my wedding day, congratulating me on "stealing her man!" That was my first 'wedding gift' from her. Well, I had to leave my home after I told him to make up his mind because he stepped out the room and re-entered with a cutlass! I had to call over two of his friends that night. To tell you the truth, that still traumatises me up to today as I am afraid of him. Two years ago, he pushed me down and let me hurt my side to fight me for my phone.

Things grew worse as the years passed by. One week before I gave birth to my second child, I decided that I was going out with him one night because he was never ever home, even when I was not feeling well. That night, I shed more tears, which could have caused a flood worse than Hurricane Ivan! Can you imagine that he left me in the car with my first child and was in a bar with a woman? This woman dropped her words for me that she "no ha fi tek up mott because she no live inna house!" She was the centre of my husband's attention. He didn't even come back to the car to find out if I needed a bottle of water!

To top things off, I waited in the car until 2 a.m. It was then that I sent him a text letting him know that he is to take me home, and then if he wanted he could get back to his party. But, do you know what he did, he sent his brother to take me home. His brother even had the audacity to tell me that I should go home and stop watching my husband because a "fi him ting and me caan stop him from give it weh!"

We separated around two months after my child came into this world. He then walked about the community and told lies on me and disgraced me. He even told my older child that I left him because he didn't have substantial sums of money to give me, and I had a man giving me money. He also gave the names of men I was going to live with. I was told that I am a trophy wife by a friend of mine, because I have to stay home and he goes out with his woman.

My biggest problem is that I took back this man in my life as I really thought he would try to make things work, but it is still hell everyday. This man doesn't even have any CXC passes, much less a university degree. He even tried to throw away my CXC certificate once. I get the impression he had a woman abroad when he used to work overseas, and that same woman he has given over $100,000.

He has never given me large sums of money, just the basics, to buy grocery and probably twice he told me to take $7,000 for myself. I usually went to the supermarket on his debit card when we got married and were living by ourselves.

My husband can no longer perform sexually. He cannot maintain an erection for two minutes, but yet he can chase me for hours. I spoke with a counsellor who offered to counsel us but he refused. What can I possibly do? Is there any help for me? Or will I just have to wait until I complete my studies and migrate?

He's not even home and I don't have a clue as to where he is. But, mark my words when I say, "If anything happens to him out on the road, dog would eat his supper, because he cannot plant corn and reap gungu!" My children lack fatherly love and I have to be playing the role of mother and father. My heart flutters at times, which now causes me to be taking fish oil tablets to keep my heart healthy.

I need a man, a friend, a companion and a lover. I am a beautiful and intelligent girl, and I know I can do better than to continue to live in this hell. Please give me your most sincere opinion.

A.

Dear A.,

What you need more than ever is the help of a lawyer. Whatever you would like a man to be, your husband is the opposite. It is time for you to begin to love yourself more than you love him. He is a man in name only. Nothing else. He cannot even perform as a man. So, ask yourself the question, "What use does he have?" Go see a lawyer.

Pastor

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM? IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU? WRITE TO: TELL ME PASTOR, DR AARON DUMAS, PO BOX 188, KING STREET, KINGSTON. TELEPHONE: 929-1667/8 EMAIL: PASTOR@JAMAICASTAR.COM