Dear Pastor,

I am with a Jamaican man of Indian descent. I met him in England when I was 16. he was 19 years old. He took my virginity. He wanted me to take his child to England and look after her when it was only two weeks into our relationship. I said no, and then he offered me his mother's number in Jamaica, in case he got deported back to Jamaica, so that I could get in contact with him. I never took his mother's number. I was living with him in his sister-in-law's flat, and he would wake me up for college in the mornings, make me breakfast, and he would bring food to me in bed on a tray. Then one day he slept over my mother's house, and because my mom is an old fashion Jamaican woman, she told me not to do anything with him under her roof, so I did not.

He had to sell drugs because he was an illegal immigrant in the country. He asked me to marry him and I told him no. For a week he would be outside of Birmingham so I would not see him. But he did not want me to go home while he went to sell drugs; he wanted me to stay at his sister-in-law's flat. I ended up going back home when he was gone. He was angry that I left his sister-in-law's flat, and in the end he moved out of her flat because she told me not to come back there again. Once he moved out, he hardly called me. Then I found out that he had another girlfriend, whom he was living with.

getting married

We did not speak to each other for a year, and then, when he came down to see me he said that he only stayed with her because he had nowhere to stay and that he would never cheat on me again. He said he just wanted me to hurry up, and finish my studies so that both of us could get married and be together. He said when I get my education he will not have to worry about being deported because he can get a job and would be able to get his stay. I spoke to his mother and he gave me his necklace. He wanted to buy me clothes but once he started buying me clothes, my mother told him not to bother to buy me clothes because he needed the money and that she will buy me what I needed. He told me to listen to my mother. He protects me from my sister because my sister does not like me and she "mash herself up with men," and she is a lot darker than I am. I am of a light brown complexion.

He stopped phoning me and he only phones me once in a blue moon, and he does not come to see me anymore. My mother says that he is giving me a chance to get an education because if he came to see me he will get me pregnant, so it is better if he does not visit me. And if he talks to me I will just keep calling him. My mother thinks he loves me because of the space he is giving me to get my education. She said that back home, in Jamaica, this is what men do when they love a woman.

I want your advice, please. Does he love me?

J., Birmingham, England

Dear J.,

I cannot believe that your mother is so naive. She should know that by the actions of this man, it is clear that he has another woman. He probably wants you to believe that all is well between the both of you. But I am telling you now, he is not a good man. And the only thing he would do with you is to use you. You will never be happy with him. He will not make you a good husband and if he continues to deal in drugs, it would only be a matter of time before he is caught, tried and sentenced to prison.

If you love yourself and you want to keep out of trouble, end the relationship with this man. I repeat, he is not a good man.

Pastor