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December 13, 2010
Star Tell Me Pastor


Pregnant pause
Dear Pastor,

I want to congratulate you on the wonderful work you are doing. I have an issue. I am a 20-year-old young woman who was involved with a 38-year-old man until we broke up.

I met this man when I was 17 years old. I was also in my last year in high school. We were very much in love despite the fact that he was almost twice my age and he had four children. I introduced him to my family shortly after we started dating but as a friend, not as someone I was dating. I did not tell them his real age as I knew they would not allow me to see him.

Sometime this year, I found out I was pregnant. I was so confused. I did not know what to do. I knew my family would be very much disappointed, especially my mother who thought I was a virgin as I was a Christian. Furthermore, I was supposed to be going back to school this year. I thought my world was crashing. When my family became aware of my situation they were very disappointed and became very outraged with my boyfriend. They felt betrayed by him, because he portrayed himself to be just a friend and he should have known better. I could not blame them after all we lied and now they are aware of his age and the children.


Some of my family members suggested abortion and tried to convince me to do it. I did not know what to do. The pressure was so great and I cried and prayed. I was not ready to be a mother and I didn't know if I could forgive myself if I did the abortion.

A few days later, I started to have abdominal pains. I went to a doctor and he said I had an infection and I was given medication. The medication was for a week. The day after I took the last medication, I was at home when I started to feel the pain again. It was so severe, I could hardly move, I became very pale and was rushed to a private doctor. I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy which causes internal bleeding. I had to be rushed immediately to the hospital. An ultrasound was done and my condition was confirmed. Emergency surgery had to be done to stop the bleeding or else I would have died. The surgery was successful and thanks be to the Almighty I am alive today. The doctors took two litres of blood from inside me and I had to have blood transfusion.

At this time my boyfriend and I weren't exactly getting along because of everything my family had been saying and his reaction to it. I tried to mend the broken pieces but it was very difficult. My boyfriend and my family still weren't getting along and it came down to a choice between them or him. I chose my family. Because of this, he has refused to help with the hospital bill. He is saying they took me away from him so let them pay it. I also think he believes we may have tampered with the pregnancy which was not true.

My questions are, what are your views on the matter? Do you think his actions are plausible?

Despite his age and the children, I really love him and felt he loved me too, but we were having problems which he failed to accept. He had been very demanding and clingy. Most of the time when I went out, it was with him. If I went alone, he kept calling and behaved as if I shouldn't be out with anyone else. He didn't give me much space. He didn't like my friends. Is he a good person?

Despite all this, I still have feelings for him. Is something wrong with me? I do need your advice.

S., Jamaica

Dear S.,

This 38-year-old man is very irresponsible and by his actions, he has proven he is not a good man. A good man wouldn't refuse to pay his girlfriend's hospital bill, especially when he understands the circumstances that caused her to be hospitalised. This is not a man with whom you should continue an intimate relationship. One may argue you are old enough to protect yourself from pregnancy. On the other hand, this man was by far your senior and had fathered four children before he got you pregnant. He could have protected you, but he didn't care.

I am sorry you lied to your parents about the relationship and his age. I am sure God knows why you did not have a normal pregnancy and as a result lost the baby.

This man is not someone to be proud of. The questions you have asked me, I have answered without addressing them point by point. I hope you will not allow this man to fool you again. Stop pining over him. He will never make you a good husband. God has a better man for you. As a Christian, you have made mistakes but you are young and you can pick up the pieces and move on with the help of God.


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