Dear Pastor

I must commend you for the good work you are doing. I read your column most times and I just love your advice, so I am hoping that I will love the one you give to me.

I am living a confused and complicated life. I am 30 years old and I have three children for three different men. I am employed at a popular security company. Thanks be to God because He always provides for me! I am a backslider and I got baptised two years ago.

At present, I am with my third child's father. I always say that children should grow with both parents, but because of so many reasons, it is not always the case. As a backslider, I always used to go to church because I wanted to be close to the Lord.

Pastor, when I got baptised, I was not prepared, so I did not go straight home. I live at a family house, but I have my own facilities. My mother reached home before me and told my fiancé that I had got baptised. When she asked me if I had told him, I said no. My mother said to me that she told him and that I had decided not to say anything. This has become a beating stick over my back. He is always saying that I got baptised and I did not tell him. I explained to him why it happened, and I also talked to him about marriage and sex. He said that he would need some time to think about it. Months passed and he said nothing.

no proof

I have been to his house several times unexpectedly, but twice he was not there and he lied on the phone that he was at home. I have also heard that he has other girls, but I have no proof, apart from seeing hickeys on his neck two different times. I accepted his lies because I really love this man.

Whenever I asked him about marriage, he would get upset and say he was not making anyone force him to get married or baptised. Sometimes he would say that he wants to buy a house before he gets married because I have a house for myself and he will not live at a family home. I told him that a house was not easy to buy so let us get married first and live apart, then we could buy a house together. He said that doesn't look good.

fight over sex

Even though I stopped having sex with him, he still supports me. Sometimes I am angry with him, and at one point, I stopped him from sleeping at my house. When he pleaded and begged for sex, I would say to him that if we were married, it would all be his. Over the two years since I got baptised, we have had sex about six-eight times until I decided not to do it anymore until we are married.

One night we had a fight over sex. I bit him on his mouth to get rid of him, so I suggested that we should go to see the pastor at my church, and he agreed. So we had a meeting with the pastor, but it was cut short. He said he needed some more time before he could marry me. He said he had something to say but it would affect me.

The pastor encouraged him to say it. To my surprise, the man confessed that three years ago, he got married for opportunity and it is not working out because he was not hearing from the woman. He said she was living on welfare so he is filing for a divorce, so as soon as it was finished, he would marry me.

Pastor, we have been together for seven years, and our son is four years old. I have not met any of his relatives, apart from one sister and his other son, who he doesn't really support because his mother is abroad. His mother and father are alive and we haven't even met on the phone. I used to quarrel about it, but I stopped. I really don't believe in divorce. He is saying that if he cannot marry me, he will kill himself. What can I do about that? This problem almost shattered my nerves. I cried almost every day asking why me.

About a year ago, when I was in training, a batchmate and I became friends and we would talk on the phone for long hours. He started to say intimate things to me, so I told him to stop because I didn't want him to get hurt and that my mind was on my child's father.

Since my child's father has confessed to me, I have allowed my batchmate to speak openly. He says he loves me and I think he does. I must say that I don't know if it is because of depression, but I think I like him. He is from another parish and he is two years younger than I. He is attending evening classes to do CXC subjects. He also has a child to take care of.

child of God

I visited him once and we kissed romantically. He also asked me for sex, and I told him not until we are married because I am trying my best to live as a child of God. When I was leaving, he told me that he would send some money to me, and up until now, I haven't received the money. I am trying to cope with him to see if he can manage to maintain me after his exams in June.

The feelings for sex are very strong on me. Most times when I am at work and I am by myself, I think all kinds of things. I do read my Bible at times, and I don't want to rush into a relationship because I do love my son's father. I allow him to visit my house and cook on Sundays when I am at work.

Pastor, I am so confused. Sometimes I say to myself that if I could get an overseas programme ticket, or if I get the opportunity, I would migrate and start a new life elsewhere.

N.W., St. Andrew

Dear N.W.,

You mean well, but the men you have had in your life have not treated you well. The father of your third child has deceived you. Both of you have been friends for the past seven years and during the relationship he got married to another woman and didn't tell you a word. That is nothing but deception.

How can you trust what he says now? His promises mean nothing. I don't doubt that you love him, but I wouldn't be alarmed if he leaves you and marries another woman for "opportunity." I believe that you should take your mind off this man. He is likely to do anything that is bad. See that he supports his child, but I will not encourage you to marry him.

God is able to sustain you, and if it is His will for you to get married, He will provide a good man for you.

The other young man who is showing interest in you has not proven himself. He has made promises and he hasn't fulfilled them. Make sure that he does not make a fool of you. You are old enough now to know when a man is real or just talking man talk.

I wish you well.

Pastor