June 11, 2012
Star Tell Me Pastor
He wants maturity, you want to be flirty
This is my first time writing to your column but I am a regular reader. I have been reading your column since I was in third grade at high school. I buy the Star just to read your column. I often listen to the wonderful advice that you give persons without bias and ambiguity, and that is very good.
I am 18 and will be 19 in two weeks. I have been dating a man from I was in fifth form in high school. We have good times together and we both love each other. He is not married, but he has 3 children. He has a good job and he treats me well.
But, pastor, he is selfish and unfair at times. He is 39 and will be 40 soon. Pastor he fails to understand at times that I am only 18. He wants me to mature up to 35 years old in order to meet him and that is impossible for me to do. We have a lot of arguments from January of this year. He is now saying that he is tired of arguing and that he is not used to it. He said I am not ready for him because my attitude towards him is not good and I don't treat him with respect.
Pastor, I must admit that sometimes I talk to him rudely and say things that I should not say but it is he who caused me to do it. I love this man but there is now a problem in our relationship. Since lately, the arguments make me lonely. I feel sometimes like I am not a part of his life. He says he misses me but still he doesn't call me.
I have always been faithful to him as if he is my husband but since lately I have been cheating on him but he does not know. I met this new guy in March of this year. I like him a lot and on our first date we had sex. We have not done it recently because we have not seen each other, but we talk a lot. I think it is because of my loneliness why I feel so good with him.
Now, my boyfriend said he is tired of being lonely and he needs someone to go home to and things like that. I love my boyfriend very much but he keeps hurting me. I don't like the sudden arguments either and it makes me sad.
I don't know what to do as it relates to stop seeing the other guy and be faithful to my boyfriend or keep both of them.
Please give me fatherly advice.
A.S., St Catherine.
This man is twice your age. He was more of a father figure to you. Both of you were indeed lovers but you lost respect for him. You want to be a flirty teenager, but he wants a mature woman. You have been trying to have it both ways. You want to have your own way. But at the same time, you want this man to continue to have an intimate relationship with you.
It is unfortunate that you got involved with another man and had sex with him on your very first date. You made yourself cheap.
Your boyfriend says he wants to settle down. He is trying to tell you that perhaps you are not the woman with whom he may wish to have as his wife because of your attitude.
I suggest therefore that you talk to him. Tell him that you would be willing to go for counselling. If he is willing to go, it would be a good indication that he is still interested in you. In the meantime, end the relationship with the other guy because you are still in love with your old boyfriend.