Dear Pastor,

I am living in Toronto Canada and I read your column and listen to you on the radio. I am 23 and I am having a problem. My husband is 25 and my cousin, who is 21, came to spend time with us. She and I have been very close. I took her everywhere and introduced her to my friends and showed her around.

One day after my husband and I left for work, I called her and she took a long time to answer the phone. When she answered, she sounded as if she was out of breath. I asked her why she was sounding that way and she said she wasn't feeling well because her period had come down on her suddenly. I told her to have something hot and rest. After we hung up, I started to think. I said to myself that something was wrong. Immediately, I called a friend and she took me home. When we got to our apartment, I saw my husband's car. My friend and I quietly went in. I saw my cousin and my husband in bed and both of them were in the nude. My husband was speechless. I was almost out of my mind. I asked my cousin how she could do that to me and she said that from the time she arrived, my husband wouldn't leave her alone.

didn't eat for two days

I told my husband that he would pay for what he did. And I told my cousin she had to leave. She went to stay with one of my friends. And that friend told me that from the time she left our house, she was crying and she didn't eat for two days. She said my husband told her that I refused to have oral sex with him, so he paid her to do it.

To punish my husband, I had sex with one of our male friends and he told his sister about our relationship and where we had sex. His sister told my husband. I told my husband that if he could cheat, I could cheat, and at least he didn't catch me, but I caught him.

I used to love my husband. I don't love him as much now, but I hate my cousin, and I will never forgive her. It is more than oral sex because my husband and I do that all the time, so my cousin is lying, and I will never talk to her again.

I hope that you will answer my letter.

K.O.

Dear K.O.,

Your cousin caused you to become very suspicious when she took a long time to come to the phone and was breathing heavily. You are a woman and you know that that is not how a woman would sound if she was having period pain. You suspected that something wasn't right, so you went home. Of course, by the time you got to your apartment, you knew that your husband shouldn't have been there.

I am glad that you did not get into a fight with your cousin or with your husband. And I am sorry that you have joined the ranks of so many women who believe that because their husbands cheated that they should do the same to punish them. So often women say that they have got involved with other men as a form of punishment to their husbands. They say its "bun for bun".

I know that it may take you a very long time to forgive your cousin because there isn't anything she could say to you that would be a good reason for having sex with your husband. She cheapened herself when she consented to have sex with him. And you did the same when you had sex with a male friend. So now that both of you have cheated on each other, the question is, does it make it easier to forgive each other? I doubt it will. However, it is not wise to accuse each other of wrong when both of you are guilty of the same thing. It is either both of you would agree to go your separate ways, or seek professional help with the aim of reconciliation.

And please remember that whether you and your husband decide to get a divorce, you will never experience peace until you forgive him and your cousin and admit to yourself that you brought disgrace upon yourself by having sex with another man, and by doing so, you embarrassed your husband.

Pastor