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December 5, 2012
Star Features


Headache in mi wallet!

Hey, pree dem numba yah. And sorry fi those with expectations of lotto numbers, because is a different breed of number me a deal wid.

Today is day number 4 of week number 49, and also day number 5 of month number 12, of the year 2012. Unnu nuh know wha dem number deh mean? Oh but, don't worry up unnu nice fresh brains peeps, because I'm a self-appointed number specialist so I can explain it simple-simple. Those numbers numerically mean that exactly 20 days from today will be the day that could be the number 1 cause of stress and anxiety for a number of people in the world: Christmas!

Listen nuh man, I'm already having a number of headaches in all part of my body just thinking about the number of expectations the day brings. Yeah, I said headache in all part of my body; a wha? Jamaican people have headache all over dem body! Yu nevah know dat? Ask any number of people who watched Joan Andrea Hutchinson and Tony Hendriks in 'New Doc on the Block' from "Laugh Jamaica".

heart-rending stories

The biggest headache that Christmas is causing me though is the hell-of-a-headache in my wallet. Lawd peeps it a batta mi. How 'bout you? I can bet yu a feel it to; nuh true? I also have a humongous headache in my soul-case just pondering on the number of people who are expecting presents from me, and the number of friends I who'll be anticipating free tickets to shows I'm working on.

Then there are those people with great expectations whose numbers always increase at Christmas time, the ones who come with outstretched hands and heart-rending stories. They range from the healthy and well-fed looking beggar on the street to the youth in the designer shoes who 'nuh eat from morning'. Sometimes they come in the form of the con artist who's annually organizing an imaginary treat for invisible kids or the hottie in the expensive 'remy' hair and the kind of eyelashes that Dr. Michael Abrahams call awning, who's telling me she has no money to feed her baby and since it's now Christmas I should have pity and 'do a ting' fi har! There's also another set who insists on soliciting assistance with financial suicide. That's the set of friends and family who want you to help them have Christmas fête and New Year debt by giving them an end-of-year loan!

I have a hard time telling people no. I just know that I have a duty to help who and where I can. But hey, as the numbers increase and the expectations get titanic one has to face a simple fact. If I try help everybody I ruin myself!

Well, I was on the edge of the brink of insanity just trying to deal with the present and impending emotional and social headaches brought on by these escalating expectations at Christmas, and then I found the answer. And it's oh so simple. Yes I finally found the remedy!

Yes, I will have to use sugar (aka diplomatic words) to candy-coat the tablets or sweeten the sometimes bitter elixir of truth, but I will just treat many of those encounters with gentle doses of the medicine prescribed by a practical specialist. Her name is Dr No and she's my new doctor.

Yeah peeps I'm apologising in advance. Mi really sorry yu hear. But is nuff gentle refusal, caring denial and sweet-sweet 'sorry, I can't help you' a dweet this year.


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