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December 17, 2012
Star Tell Me Pastor


Tired of the mama and papa Style

Dear Pastor,

I know you are a counsellor, so I want to talk to you about something. I am a man who likes to speak the truth. I have a wife and I have three children with her and three other children with two different women. I try to treat my children the same way. Three of them have done well. They finished college and they are working. The others are still in school.

I got the three outside children while I was living with the woman I married. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have gotten married to this woman because she is very miserable and 'old-timish'. She wants me to have sex with her the same old way from the time we met each other. I am tired to talk to her. I am tired of the mama and papa style. Sometimes that causes me to curse her and to go on the street.

One of my outside child's mother still loves me and if I say I want it, she says, "come." Every time I go to see her it costs me, but she knows how I want it and what I want. The son I have with her asked me why I didn't marry his mother.

Pastor, some of these wives cause men to cheat. I don't want to cheat, but I don't know how to get my wife to change her stupid ways. I told her that we should go for counselling but she doesn't want to go. She says that no counsellor can tell her what sexual position she should do.

These days, I find that when we are doing the missionary style, I don't enjoy it as when I am doing other positions. I don't want to leave my wife because of the children, and I don't want to start over again. But how can I get her to change? Please give me your advice.


Dear N.M.,

What I am about to say to you would be no comfort to you, but I am going to say it to you nevertheless. You are not alone in this struggle. There are many married men who are very frustrated with their spouses because these women are not willing to do different positions. Some even believe that it is wrong to do these positions, which are quite numerous. Some even say that the missionary position is the decent way of having sex.

However, sex will never be boring if couples change positions from time to time and learn how to spice up their sex life. The only time I should think a couple should not try different positions is when one spouse is suffering from a physical condition and is unable to move the body, so to speak.

But, some women are indeed very lazy when it comes to sex. And when the men insist that they want to have sex, the women simply respond "tek it" and they lie like log while the men do their thing. You have been upfront with your wife. You told her what was going on in your life, even before you married her. I believe she is taking you for granted by refusing to go with you to see a family counsellor. When people have problems, they should be willing to discuss them with a professional.

It is unfortunate that you feel compelled to find comfort in the arms of one of your children's mother. This woman still loves you and probably would love to see you leave your wife and come totally to her.

Perhaps you may find a counsellor who would be willing to visit your home and counsel your wife and yourself. That is not something counsellors often do. It is not even a very wise thing for a counsellor to do, but perhaps if you were to find a counsellor who is married and whose wife would accompany him to meet with your wife and yourself, it might help your relationship. You would find such session valuable. I hope that your wife's behaviour will not force you to do anything that would contribute in the destruction of the marriage.


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