Home - The Star
January 14, 2013
Star Tell Me Pastor


Just for sex

Dear Pastor,

I do hope you can help me with my problem. I am a 36-year-old mother of two. I am also in a good job and I am a Christian. I am in a relationship with a man who is 46, but he makes me confused. When we first met he said that he loved me and he wanted to marry me.

My problem is that whenever we have a problem, he refuses to go for counselling. He said that it doesn't make any sense because when a person returns from counselling, it is up to him/her to change and he can counsel himself. He further said that he is not going to put any woman before his children and that if things don't suit her, she should know what to do. He said he knows what he is looking for in life and no one can force him to do what he doesn't want to do.

Sometimes I am stressed out by his behaviour and I even walked away. But he is always coming back and begging for us to continue the relationship. I am afraid because his parents do not have anything good to say about his past relationships.

Sometimes I wonder if he has tied me to him and if I mention it to him, he would say that it is just love. I will not lie about this man because there are times when he treats me very well and does some wonderful things for me. But his ways stink and he is also very mean. He does not give me money unless I quarrel about it or sleeps with him. He is also very cheeky and he uses any word that comes to his mouth.

Sometimes I want to inform my pastor about our relationship so that he would be able to advise me and guide me, but his behaviour as a pastor has turned my mind from him. I sought advice from another pastor, but I only tell him that I am interested in having someone to call my own and he advised me as a Christian how to go about it.

I think about ending the relationship with my boyfriend but I just can't get him out of my head. He behaves as if I am his wife and I must be at his house every night, even though I told him that I am not supposed to be having sex, much more to be sleeping at his house. I cannot put this man before my children, neither can I put him before God. God has provided me with this job so that I can take care of myself, send my children and myself to school, build my house and pay my insurance.

I believe that he is having a relationship with a girl in the community who came to the house twice when I was there to ask him for things. Before I got involved with him I told him that I am not interested in a man who has more than one woman.

Please tell me what to do. I believe that counselling can help to solve the problems that we are having, but he refuses. Maybe he just wants to be bad.

C. St. Thomas

Dear C.,

You would continue to be abused by this man until you have come to realise that he doesn't care about you and he does not love you. He loves what you can offer him and that is sex. That is why when you hesitate to have sex with him, he is reluctant in giving you money. Believe me, sex is all this man wants from you. And right now, you are blind. You can't see that as a fact.

Unfortunately, you don't love yourself. If you had loved yourself, you would have left this man long ago. You may think that I am being hard on you. But, believe me, I am just trying to help you. This man sees you as a silly girl he can use and one who puts him first in her life. He believes that you love money, so although you say that you shouldn't be sleeping with him, all he has to do is to dangle the money before your eyes and all your religious convictions disappear.

I charge you now to leave this man and carve out a future on your own. Begin to love yourself by dumping him.


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