February 5, 2013
Star Tell Me Pastor
Strong gay desires
I am a young man in the ministry, but I have more than a thorn in the flesh. I have been fighting a problem for a couple of years now and along the way, I have fallen down a couple of times. I have gay preferences. I have opened up to several ministers about this. Some of them tried to take advantage of me and the others didn't bother to give me any follow-up counselling. I opened up to a friend and I have lost him as well, so I have decided not to talk about it anymore.
In 2009, I went against not talking about it and then I opened up to a fellow minister again, and he took me through some steps of deliverance. And for the first time in my life, I felt free of the feelings. However, I started to masturbate and these feelings started coming back. At this time, I found myself in a relationship with another guy and I truly loved him. This guy and I went as far as trying to penetrate each other. Both of us decided that it was too hot and we would just kiss, have oral sex, and masturbate each other.
I have left Jamaica, but I am in a ministerial position just the same. I have never told the other ministers with whom I am in ministry about my weakness as I fear what would happen.
I am in a more precautious position now. I have a young man staying with me who I am helping. I really believe that I heard the voice of God to pretty much adopt this youth. He is 15. He has been living with me since October, but I am going crazy. I am not attracted to him and I keep on asking God to give me a pure mind so that I could see him as my son. But the thorn in my flesh, at random, makes me want to kiss him, and most times, wants me to perform oral sex on him.
While I am controlling these desires, I am just afraid that one day I will break. About a week ago, I touched him on his penis while we were playing. He asks me to bathe him sometimes, especially when he has his dizzy spells. I do not have a problem bathing him, but I am confused because of the feelings I have for males. I want to send him home.
Before he came to live with me, he couldn't read and he had behavioural problems at school. All his teachers, the principal, and also the community have been reporting that they are seeing a difference in him and in his schoolwork. I have put myself in a position that I am not sure how to get out of.
I do not want to be this way for the rest of my life. This part of me sometimes keeps me from even getting too close to girls. I am not sure how I would tell a girl that I have feelings for males. I do not want to get married and have a secret. Others have suggested that I do not tell, but I do not think I can do that.
Pastor, what should I do? I do not want to send this youth home as I know what would happen, but I cannot risk my ministry. Please help me. I do not even feel like I should be in ministry because of my feelings for males. I want to return to Jamaica as this probably spells danger for me.
What should I do?
I am sure that you are aware that some ministers in mainline or traditional churches have debated whether ministers who are gay should be in the ministry. Some have allowed them to stay while others have disassociated themselves from them. Churches have split over this matter. Those who are very liberal in their interpretation of the Scriptures do not consider this matter of great importance. However, those who adhere to the Scriptures refuse to encourage or to support gays as Christian workers such as pastors, elders, bishops, and priests. And they do so on the authority of the Bible.
I am very sorry to hear of the struggles you are having with homosexuality. You are having more than just the feelings. You have engaged in homosexual behaviour, however, it would do no good to condemn you. At least you have sought counselling from fellow ministers. They have not been able to help you. Nevertheless, you know that you are very uncomfortable in the state in which you have found yourself.
You believe that as a gay man you should not be in the ministry. May I suggest that you seek the help of a Christian psychologist. I am assuming that you are in the United States of America. There are many Christian psychologists in North America. I am sure that they would be willing to work with you. You wouldn't have to worry about whether these persons would divulge anything you tell them.
Concerning the young man who is living with you, I would urge you to send that young man home to his parents. You are playing with fire. He is a child, and you ought not to be fondling or touching his penis. You should not be bathing him. He is 15 years old and he doesn't need that sort of help from you. You are sending the wrong message to this young man. What you are doing is wrong. Stop now!
I will be praying for you, but I urge you also to pray for yourself and to fast. I repeat, send that young man home! Be warned, if he doesn't say anything now, the day will come when he will let the world know what you did to him at your house.