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February 6, 2013
Star Features



The much vaunted feel-good effect of the millions of dollars worth of VW Super Bowl advert may provide a colourful break, but the impact of the ruthless and determined players in the million-dollar lottery scam continues to paint a nasty picture that sullies country's image overseas.

And guess what! Jamaica still has no legislation outlawing that notorious lottery scam which has been blamed for hundreds of murders in the country. We have a law against buggery, though. And that law basically means that if we ketch two men doing something with each other that society says they should only do with women, the penalty those men face is, we to send them off to prison. That means we lock them up in a place with many, many more men and no women, where they will obviously have no other option, but to continue doing the same thing with men. That makes perfect sense, right?

Here's the next thing, buggery is actually about (not homosexuality exclusively, but) the specific act of anal penetration. Now, I personally find the idea revolting but, (to each his/her own) that sort of activity is something that some men also regularly do with women. So based on our law then, legal sex between man and woman can also actually involve an illegal act. Weird eh? And how do we really police these laws?

Of course, with these and other ideas like 'scrapping metal for trade' and talk about 'enemies of the state' floating through my head, I was busy beating up on myself with the thought of how weird and wacky Jamaica can be. Then I read two online stories about some things that happened in Brasil, and thought, well weird stuff happens all over the world.

The first and weirder of the two stories, both of which were posted January 30, involved Valdeci Sobrino Picanto - an evangelical pastor who was arrested after he allegedly convinced his followers that his penis contained holy milk. According to the online report, the pastor told his congregants that his penis "was blessed" and that "the Lord had consecrated him with divine milk of the Holy Spirit" and, of course, he had to release it in order to "evangelise".

One of his victims, reportedly, said "Often, after worship, pastor Valdeci would take us to the where the funds were kept at the back of the church and asked us to have oral sex with him until the Holy Spirit would come through ejaculation". Now, you tell me! I may be a fool, but any pastor telling me about holy milk would have to show me some holy breasts on a holy woman. Only then would I suck for salvation. But dat is di kinda prekeh that can result when men who are perverted and wicked, have access to the people who are religious and stupid!

The other story entitled "Death by Cunnilingus" and written by Katie McDonough, is basically about a Brasilian woman who tried to kill her husband by putting poison in her vagina and then inviting him to perform oral sex on her. In a twist of fate however, the woman's plan backfired pretty quickly and the man had to rush her to hospital to save her life.

"Can anything be more bizarre? Can any woman be so foolish? Thank God her husband is sufficiently chivalrous to take her to the hospital. Many would have left her to die!" That was the comment from Joan Andrea Hutchinson who posted the story on Facebook. Me? I couldn't help thinking that if she opted to poison her vagina instead of his dinner, that wife clearly knew her husband's eating preference.

Seriously though, I have reworked the refrain from Cat Stevens' 'Wide World' made more popular by Maxi Priest. And I'm singing to myself "Oh baby, baby it's a weird world!" You nuh agree?


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