Dear Pastor,

I am a regular listener to your radio programme and I wanted to call you but many people will recognise my voice, so I am writing to you. I am not married but I am living with a man. My first child is a girl and she is 14. I was working for a man and his wife. This man is a public figure and his wife used to travel a lot. And she depended on me to take care of everything in the house and to cook for her husband.

I got involved with her husband and he got me pregnant. After he got me pregnant, I decided to leave the job. He agreed that I should leave but promised me that he would support the child because he doesn't have any. I left the job and he supported me. Then I got involved with a guy and we started living together.

When the child was born, I registered her in his name. So my daughter has always believed that this man is her father. I have two other children and they are for this man. My daughter resembles her father. And I know that one day I must tell her the truth. I don't know how and I don't know when.

When I got involved with the man I live with, I never told him that the child I am carrying is for my boss. I told him that I cannot find the father. I could get more money from her father, but I did not want the man I am living with to be suspicious. The man who is her father told me that he would educate her and when the time comes for her to go to university, she wouldn't have to take a student loan and nobody has to know that he is her father. I can go to his house any time to see his wife, but I don't take the children with me. Please tell me what to do.

V.R.

Dear V.R.,

You have been living with a man who took you while you were pregnant with your first child. You registered the child in his name and you have had two children by him. He has been treating you well. And at the same time, you can get anything you want from the biological father of your first child. This man and you have kept a secret between the both of you. But, somehow you feel that your daughter should know the truth.

As I see it, this is not the right time to tell her who is her biological father. She has accepted the man with whom you are living as her father from the time she was born. Don't disturb the poor girl now. When she becomes an adult and is mature enough to deal with disappointment and deception, etc, you should talk to her about what happened to you and who is her biological father. You should at that time also arrange for her to meet with her father. Both of you would also need to go to see a family counsellor to ensure that it would not affect her emotionally and psychologically. But nothing, however, should be done to give the impression that she should not respect and honour the man she has grown up to accept as her father.

Pastor