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February 22, 2013
Star Tell Me Pastor


Betrayed by perpetual cheater and best friend

Dear Pastor,

I hope this letter finds you in the best of health. I am writing to you from the island of Trinidad and Tobago. About two years ago, June 17, 2011 to be exact, I found out my common-law husband of eight years was involved with my best friend. Needless to say, I was crushed because these were the two people I loved the most besides my two sons. A couple years ago, he was burnt in a fire and was hospitalised. I had no medication to take care of him, so I was forced to work three jobs in order to pay for his medication, which was about TT$800 (about J$14,000), a day. I had loved this man with every fibre of my being. We became engaged after he recovered from the burns, because he said he could not find anyone like me in this life again.

As for my friend, I looked out for her like a sister or daughter. I am 39 and she is 23. My husband is 51 years old. I had an attachment to for her because she had no mother, nor did I. Our mothers both left us as babies with our respective grandmothers. I used to buy her perfumes and creams. She used to eat at my house often. I bought her clothes. I got a passport for her as well as my husband. I went to New York on vacation in 2011 and while I was there my other friends kept calling me to ask me why was she at my house so often and I was away. I didn't think anything of it because I told them that she is good with everybody there. She was involved briefly with one of my husband's sons who is also a bit older than her.

living with him

When I came home from New York, he was looking for one set of argument with me. I asked him what was it all about and the next thing I knew was that he put me in the street and told me he can't be with me anymore. He told me that I am a slut and all kinds of nasty things. I had to stay by people here and there. I later found out that my friend is living there with him and she is pregnant. I had been with him for 16 years, eight of which was before we started living together. He told me that he didn't want any more kids. He already has eight children and a grandchild, yet he got this girl pregnant. I am finding it hard to move on with my life.

I constantly cry and think about the betrayal and how he has hurt me so much. I found out she told him about an affair I had about five years ago while he was being unfaithful to me, and that was why he called me a slut. She told him about it. Even though he had numerous affairs, I forgave him. I genuinely loved him when he told me about it. I told him that he should let us work it out. I told him that I forgave him for all those times he did me wrong so why can't he forgive me for my one indiscretion. He said to me that if I don't know that men like to give horn but can't take it.

Pastor, I can't seem to get over it and the thing is that this girl doesn't want anybody to know she is with him. Her grandmother only knew the child was his when the child was born because they met in the hospital.

I would like to know how to get past this. How do I stop myself from being hurt? I don't want to drive away my friends because some of them seem to feel I should be over this by now. Please help me. I am anxiously awaiting your response.


Dear Hurt,

You have to move on. But your hurt will not go away by the snapping of your fingers. It will take time. And I have to be frank with you, it may take a long time. This man and you were together for a long time and what has happened to the relationship is not something that you expected. You were a bit naive. But, for a man who is a perpetual cheater, he could have treated you much better.

This man is the typical West Indian who is willing to have many affairs and expects his wife to accept his behaviour. But, he is not willing to forgive her if she cheats, not even if she did it just once. You have to learn to forgive yourself. You are mortal, you have made mistakes. But you should close the book on this man and move on. Don't try to run behind bubbles.

Take time to read the Bible and pray and wish the young woman who has deceived you well. Carve out your own future without this man. I will be praying for you.


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