Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. My parents have been married for over 35 years and all their children, including myself are now adults. At a recent family event, I saw a strange woman among us and when I asked one of my relatives who she was, I was told that she was the illegitimate child my father had with another woman in the middle of his marriage to my mother.

Discovering that my father had an illegitimate child outside of his marriage was a huge shock as no one ever discussed it when we were growing up. The problem now is that this woman wants to get to know the legitimate children of the marriage, but neither I nor my brothers and sisters have any interest in getting to know her.

How do we explain to this woman that she needs to be sensitive to the fact she was born in the middle of a marriage to a man who already had his own family? How do we explain that we, the legitimate children, feel like a complete family without her? It is as if she cannot understand that she is a source of embarrassment and that everyone's interest would be best served if she stays away from us. What is your advice?

Legitimate Child

Dear Legitimate Child,

All the children that you proudly describe as legitimate should extend love to the sister you describe as illegitimate. What right do you have to condemn your sister? It is no fault of hers why she is here. If you and the so-called legitimate children were Christians, you should embrace her and welcome her into the family. If you want to blame anyone, it should be your father. But that wouldn't even make any sense because nothing could be changed. To reject your sister is to reject your father. Your father made a mistake. But I am sure that you still consider him father. This girl is your blood sister and you need to change your attitude towards her.

welcome her

I am assuming that he was the one who invited his daughter to the family function. She had a right to be there. What do you hope to gain by trying to embarrass this young woman? The entire family should welcome her and bond with her. On the other hand, I hope that this young woman would be sensitive enough to know that you do not wish to consider her as family and would look on you with pity. And I hope that your father will do his very best to treat her well and will never make her feel that she is unwanted.

It is backward thinking to believe that all the children that were born within the union of your father and mother are legitimate and that this girl is illegitimate. By the way, in Jamaica, no one is considered illegitimate. Those days are done.

Pastor