Desperate to find a man

May 13, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I am 47 years old and I live in Trinidad and Tobago. I love to travel. I have been to China, London, New York, Miami, and all over the Caribbean. I cannot seem to keep a man. I wrote to you a year ago about the Jamaica man who only married me to get his papers and was very abusive and disrespectful towards me. I have left him and I am now on my own again. Pastor, my dilemma is that I cannot seem to keep a man. I am a strong, smart and independent woman. I work for The University of the West Indies. I play the national instrument of Trinidad and Tobago, the steel pan, and still I cannot keep a man. The problem is not in the bedroom. Some of my friends tell me that I scare men away because I am too strong and independent and I don't make men feel wanted. They say men like to feel needed. They say I don't need a man, but Pastor, I need a man. Yes, it is not easy paying all my rent and bills; and it is not easy waking up alone all the time. I don't try to show weakness, because I don't want to be hurt.

Is there any truth to what my girlfriends are saying? I just want some love. The thing is, whenever I get a man who wants to stick around, I push him away. I don't like men to be too clingy and want to be in my apartment all the time. I like my alone time, too. Am I asking too much?


Dear Lonely,

Your girlfriends find it difficult to believe that you need a man in your life because to them, you seem happy. But you are surely dying from loneliness. On the other hand, they have observed that you don't treat men very well. You say you need a man, but what you really want is a boy, someone you can push around. You are asking for a part-time man, a part-time companion. You don't want him in your apartment all the time. You can't stand that type of man. It seems to me you want a man who will come and do his thing, or 'fix you up', and leave. No wonder you and the Jamaican man couldn't get along. If you are serious about looking for another man, you would have to change the way you behave. I believe you mean well and don't want to live alone forever. But which man who is serious about life wants a woman who would tell him 'don't come to my house too often, I need my space'? While at the same time, she wants him to help pay her rent and other bills? That is only nonsense. You said that your former husband only married you because he wanted his permanent status, but it seems to me that it was much more than that. I hope that I am not hard on you, I am only trying to respond to what you have written, and I hope that my response will open your eyes and cause you to change your attitude towards men. Intelligent men love intelligent women, and evidently you are a very intelligent woman, but you lack common sense. You don't want a man to push you around, but a good man wouldn't want you to push him around, either. Both of you would have to learn to listen to each other. It is my prayer that you will find such a man. If any man would like to respond to you, I will let you know. In the meantime, I will be praying for you. By the way, I observe that you did not say you liked to cook. Every Jamaica man loves a woman who can cook. I hope that you can cook pelau, Trinidad and Tobago's national dish. Bye for now.


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