Leaving my ‘spending’ boyfriend was a mistake

August 17, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I am 30 years old and I am having a problem. I graduated from university two years ago. Before I went to university, I was fully supported by a man with whom I was living from I was 18 years old. I left home because my parents were not in a position to help me much.

My boyfriend supported me fully, but to tell you the truth, I never truly loved him. I liked him, but I didn't love him. He used to ask me all the time if I loved him, and I would tell him yes. He is 10 years older than I am. He bought me a car, so I drove to school. He allowed me to go anywhere I wanted to go. Things became complicated after my first year at university, as I fell in love with another man. It almost affected my studies, but I fought my way through, and whenever I got home from school, I made sure that everything was prepared for my boyfriend at home. He is in the construction business. Sometimes in my tired state, I would bathe him, and I would tell him to go to bed while I studied.


I started to have sex with the other guy. One day, my boyfriend told me he was suspicious of me because how could I be with him and not have sex, so I must have another man. I denied it, then he said to me he wanted to see who was calling me. He said it while laughing. I pushed the phone under my bottom and I told him to go about his business. I started to feel nervous. When he wasn't paying any attention, I tried to delete some of the messages on my phone. He had never gone through my phone. One night when I fell asleep at the table, he came over me and told me to come to bed. He literally dragged me into the room and started to undress me. I told him I was not in the mood, but he said he was. He then asked me if I had a man with him, and I told him that somebody liked me. He asked me if I liked the person and I told him yes. Our relationship began to go downhill from that point.

My boyfriend asked me if I was having sex with the guy and I said no, and he told me I was lying. I insisted that I was telling the truth, but he said that he knew when I was lying. He threatened me and I became scared of him. I did not know what to do. He started to watch me, so our relationship deteriorated further. The other man encouraged me to come and live with him, so I told my boyfriend I was leaving. He asked me where I was going and I told him. He told me he would assist me with anything I needed. I asked him for certain items that we had in the house and he told me to take them, but I should leave the key for the car and I should repay him half the amount of money he spent to send me to school. He said he would give me time to pay him back.

Looking at it now, Pastor, I think I made a mistake by agreeing to pay him back. I am now living with the other guy, but this guy cannot walk in the other man's shoes. I feel I made a mistake leaving my former boyfriend. Do you think I should pay him half the amount of money he spent to send me to university? My present boyfriend said I should tell him that I have changed my mind and he should consider that a gift.


Dear A.,

You are very fortunate that your former boyfriend is only asking you to give him back half the amount of money it cost him to send you to university. He could have demanded all of it, every cent. Your present man should not tell you to tell him that he should consider what he spent as a gift to you. In fact, your present boyfriend is out of order.

You said that you never loved your former boyfriend, so you deceived him by going to live with him and giving him the impression that you were in love with him. You are not only a deceiver, you are a wicked girl. The man has the right to take back his car. Now that you are living with this new guy, you realise that the new guy is not able to treat you as well as your former boyfriend. The grass is not as green as you thought it would have been.

Having said the above, I recognise that you were not totally happy with your former boyfriend, because you have admitted that you were never in love with him. I repeat, you are a user, and I hope you will find happiness with this man. Pay back the man the amount he has asked you for and consider yourself fortunate.


Other Tell Me Pastor Stories