My man is addicted to porn

Dear Pastor,

This is my first time writing to you. I am a regular reader of your column. I am 28 years old and my child's father is in his early 30s. I would like some advice on what to do.

My child's father is always watching porn videos, but not in my presence. Recently I found out that this is something that he was used to before I knew him. When I confronted him about it, he said it's a man thing, but I am not comfortable with it.

He spends most of his time on his phone watching movies and he has no time for me. Sometimes I feel lonely, but I stay with him because I love him and I hope he changes one day. He works every day and has no time for his family. I always wanted someone who is God-fearing and willing to go to church sometimes. I don't know who he believes in. I don't force religion on anyone, but people should acknowledge the big man up above.

Pastor, he doesn't even like going out, he is just stuck in his ways and he is also self-centred. Whenever we have a disagreement, he turns on me. He never takes accountability for his actions. Sometimes he gives me silent treatment and I hate that because I am always talking about how I feel. Otherwise from all of that, he is a very humble person, kind and caring. Nothing is too good for him to give to me as long as he has it. I love this guy and I would want things to work between him and me, but I don't know if he wants the same.

Thank you. I am looking forward to your response. God bless you.

A.M.

Dear A.M.,

What you are trying to say is that you want this man to change. You have been working on him, but he is not changing at all. I would like you to know that you are making a big mistake.

You cannot change this man. You knew certain things about him and yet you ignored those things and you got emotionally and sexually involved with him. For example this man was never a person who attended church. You knew that. But now that you have a child together, you are trying to put pressure on him to attend church; that will not work. You would have to continue to accept him as your child's father and not try to pressure him at all. This man has to decide for himself whether he will attend church or not. I repeat, you cannot change him.

Concerning his habit of watching porn, he said that that is a man's thing; he loves it. But it is also something that some women enjoy looking at, and some even do so openly. When I say openly, I am talking about in front of their men and their children. I shall never forget visiting a home in New Kingston and the lady of the house had to go out for a few minutes and she said, "Pastor, would you just look over these kids for me while I run out" and I said "Fine". There were two children and one of them took up the remote and went straight to the porn channel and I said, "No, change that." It was normal for the children to look at this particular channel, and I said to myself, "Oh how sad."

If watching porn is something this man used to do before you met him, he will not stop because of you. He is probably addicted to it. This type of addiction is not easy to stop. Sometimes one has to get professional help, which involves therapy. But if he does not see that he has a problem and that it is an addiction, he will not stop.

You may continue to pray and ask God to deliver this man. But at the same time, try your best not to become depressed. Continue to go to church and serve God and ask the brothers and sisters to pray for him. But please don't mention these things that he is doing because you don't want anybody to know of all his bad habits.

Pastor