Husband got his cousin pregnant

Dear Pastor,

I am married, but I am very unhappy. I have one child with my husband. I grew up in a Christian home. I have not always conducted myself as a Christian, but I go to church regularly. My husband also attends church. When we got married, we lived with his parents, and then we were able to rent our own place. It has been very difficult, but I feel happier in my own space. Our daughter has her own room, and she only sleeps with us if we have visitors.

My husband has relatives living in Canada. Five years ago, he told me he wanted to visit them, as one of them was getting married. I was not interested in travelling because I didn't want to leave the baby with anybody or take her with us, so I told my husband he could go alone. He said he was going to stay with his uncle and his wife. We talked every day while he was away. I found out from a family friend that my husband stayed at his cousin's house. This cousin is a female, and for the three weeks he was in Canada, that is where he was.

STOOPED SO LOW

Pastor, he got his cousin pregnant, but he did not tell me. She gave birth to a girl. So now he has two daughters; one before we were married, and one with his cousin. I did not know he had that first daughter until we were engaged. He said he was afraid to tell me because I always said I did not want a man who had a child. I forgave him, but I can't forgive him for getting his cousin pregnant. She is a nurse. She didn't have to get pregnant if she didn't want to. As a nurse, she knew what to do. I cannot believe that my husband stooped so low by having sex with his cousin. I spoke to her father and he told me that I shouldn't believe everything that I hear because his daughter has a boyfriend, so she could have got pregnant by him. He told me that he would speak to her about it and get back to me, but he never did. So I know that what I heard was true.

My husband said that it is all a big mistake. When he went to Canada, he did not plan to stay with his cousin, but there were so many people visiting that they had to change the sleeping arrangements. He did not plan to go to bed with his cousin, it just happened. I am so angry. She was rude enough to tell me that it has happened already, so I should just accept it. How can I accept that?

I have cried my eyes out, I do not see my marriage working out. This man has two daughters outside of the marriage, plus our son, and he does not have a lot of money. How is he going to support this child in Canada?

V.E.

Dear V.E.,

I do not believe your husband. He knew where he was going to stay during the visit, and even if he did not, when he got there he did not have to be intimate with his cousin.

He is a very careless man, and his cousin has no pride or shame. She didn't care. She didn't have to become pregnant if she didn't want to. As a nurse she knew what to do. Her father seems to be shocked, because he knew that she had a boyfriend. That is why he doubted that it was your husband who impregnated his daughter. I say again, shame on both of them.

You raised the matter of his earnings. I suppose as a nurse in Canada, she might be able to support her child without much help from your husband. But a good man will always want to do his part in supporting his child, so you have to be concerned. When your husband said "it just happened", he is being very casual about it. Yes, I know he is saying he didn't plan to get her pregnant, but these are two adults, and it doesn't take magic for a man to impregnate a woman if they are in good health. I know you are grieving, but don't let this matter pull you down to nothing. You have been a good wife to him. Try your very best to 'keep up', as the people say.

I don't know whether or not you are going to stay with this man. That decision is solely yours. If you are going to stay with him, make sure he doesn't get you pregnant again. It would not just be the matter of feeding a child, you would have to think about their education. I further suggest that you insist that this man and you go to see a family counsellor, because you need some guidance, and I am sure you did not say everything in your letter to me. Bye, my sister.

Pastor