My man is an alcoholic

Dear Pastor,

I am 20 and I am in need of your guidance. I am in love with a man who is divorced. He is 35.

He lives with his two children. His wife cheated on him and he refused to forgive her. He started to drink heavily and now, one can call him an alcoholic. The house that we are living in belongs to his mother. She is living in the US; she only visits Jamaica. His mother was not married to his father, but she had a man who treated her very well. He was much older and he left his house and another property for her. She has tried her best to try to get her son to stop drinking. He said when he wants to stop, he will. Sometimes he gets very depressed and I have to baby him. He would give me anything I want. When he gets drunk, he goes to sleep. He doesn't interfere with anybody.

I stay with him because I love him. He is a wonderful person when he is sober. He is always asking me if I am going to cheat on him like his wife did. I always tell him no, I am not that type of person. But if I wanted to cheat, I could because sometimes when he is out of it, he sleeps for hours when he is drunk. His children and I get along very well. They, too, would like to see him stop the drinking. Sometimes for weeks we do not have sex because he can hardly manage. I try not to stress myself over him. He likes to see me in the nude, so because of his condition, I obey him all the time and hug him until he falls asleep. But the situation is very stressful for me.

His mother sends him money all the time. He is like her baby. His daughter is attending college and she is doing well. He loves his daughter more than his son. His son raises his voice on him. His daughter rubs his head and tells him that she loves him, and she wants him to get over his drinking problem. Sometimes I don't know what to do. His mother told me that she hopes that I will not leave him; she knows that he will change. She is willing to give him the piece of land that she has in rural Jamaica and give the house to his children. I asked her what I would get and she said I would have to prove that I do not have another man, before she can consider putting me in her will.

Pastor, do you think that is fair to me? I have made sacrifices for this man and I may end up getting nothing.

Y.A.

Dear Y.A.,

Please learn to look after yourself. You have a right to be concerned because you are only 20 and living with a man who is 35 years old and divorced. He has a serious problem. He is an alcoholic, but so many times alcoholics do not admit that they have a drinking problem.

I had a friend who was an alcoholic and he always told me that he could stop drinking if he wanted to. One day, I went to see him and I was there for quite a while and he said to me, "Reverend, I have stopped drinking", and I had said to him, "I am so glad to hear", but he hadn't stopped. While I was there, he got some alcohol and was using it as one would use mouthwash. He still drinks heavily, but he was trying his best to impress me. What I wanted my friend to do was to see a doctor and have the doctor put him on a programme to stop drinking. I did not want to hear that he has no control over his drinking habit, or that because of drinking he had developed cirrhosis of the liver.

Your gentleman is very unhappy. Because of his divorce, he finds it difficult to trust women; he believes that all women are cheaters. You know you are not a cheater and he depresses you when he constantly asks whether you will cheat on him. Work with his children; encourage them to convince their father that he needs professional help. He is still a relatively young man, and you should not give up on him.

Pastor