No means no!

November 17, 2015
illustration ... a rape victim.

You would have to be living under a rock to not hear about or see the video with a young man sexually assaulting a woman who kept crying and asking the perpetrator to stop. She cried and begged him to stop even saying that he wouldn't like it if someone did what he was doing to his sister.

The alleged perpetrator posted the video to social media and it quickly went viral. Of course, many persons had much to say about the video, but what struck me was how much disregard people still have for the act of rape. Rape victims are still being blamed for the crime committed against them.

First let me describe how the law defines rape: A man commits the offence of rape if he has sexual intercourse with a woman - (a) without the woman's consent; and (b) knowing that the woman does not consent to sexual intercourse or recklessly not caring whether the woman consents or not.

Ok, now that we have the legal terms out of the way, let's get down to the attitude that people have towards rape. I am personally annoyed whenever I hear people acting like the victim of rape brought this heinous act upon themselves. It gets even worse when the victim has a relationship with the perpetrator. Some of the statements that I hear include:

• Well if she dresses like that what she expects?

• Men have needs.

• What is she doing at his house? She must expect him to want sex.

• With a body like that, the man must take a piece.

• Her mouth said no but her body said yes.

These are just a few of the things that are said about or to a rape victim that I think are at the foundation of how the society things about this crime. We have accepted that men are sexual and that they have needs so they are almost entitled to helping themselves to a woman's body with or without her permission. This ideology is what I have a problem with. I have personally had men say to me that I should be careful what I wear because they cannot be held accountable for what they may do when they see me. Obviously this is said in jest, but it speaks to this overall attitude.


important thing


Let me take this opportunity to acknowledge that rape is not just a crime against women and that the attitude towards male rape should also be addressed.

I would like to see this mindset change. The first thing we need to acknowledge is that NO MEANS NO. The other important thing to note is that a woman's body belongs to her and she is in charge of who gets to share it. Regardless of what she is wearing, or how sexy she appears, she still has to give consent before sexual encounters.

If she is giving mixed signals, seek clarity. Do not leave any room for misunderstandings. Sex is better with consenting adults, so go get your freak on. Have fun and stay sexy.

Send your questions or comments to or Tweet me @drsexylive or Facebook





Dear Dr. Sexy,

My girlfriend broke up with her man last year and he and I recently started flirting with each other. I like him, but I don't want my friend to get upset. She has moved on with someone new, but I know the girl code. So what should I do?

Lisa, Papine

Dear Lisa,

Personally, I don't have any issue, but to keep thing transparent with your friend, just let her that you are interested in him and will be seeing him. Since she has already moved on, I don't foresee that you should have a problem. And this way, it will not be something you are hiding from her.

Good luck,

Dr Sexy

Other Commentary Stories