It's hard for me to trust a man again


September 06, 2016

Dear Pastor,

Your topic was very interesting and has made me really dig deep into myself. Last night you asked what was missing from my life, and my response was a loving man. Now you ask how to achieve what's missing from my life.

Pastor, I have had some bad experiences when it comes to men. When I was younger, I settled because I wanted a relationship so badly.

There wasn't anything I wouldn't do in order to keep the man. And I was so heartbroken when the relationship ended. But I was young, foolish, and insecure - and the list goes on.

Now I have these huge walls around my heart and, so far, they are unconquerable. When I meet a man, I notice everything and visualise the possibilities.

It's sad to say my thoughts are, "What if I can truly love this man and he hurts me? How will I react?":

I determine the outcome without even trying to see if what's good about him outweighs his flaws.

Over the years, I've kept a mental list of the "red flags," and the list grows and grows. I will admit I've set some high standards in what I want for a life partner.

There have been many opportunities over the years to have a relationship, but those red flags keep going up.

I can intimidate men at times, and I am working on being more open and receptive towards everyone.

I have many flaws; I've been rejected for my flaws as well.

Pastor, with all your wisdom, what can you offer as advice?


Dear A.L.,

Have you ever thought that a part of the reason you are having such difficulty is because you have built this incredible wall around your heart? Yes, every intelligent woman needs to be careful and must have certain criterias when it comes to relationships. But she makes it much more difficult for herself if she is suspicious of everybody and she tells herself that every man is the same and none can be trusted.


Although she wants a man, she is not willing to listen and to allow the relationship to grow. Of course, she ought to be wise and not to be too quick to accept whatever the man says as gospel.

She can do her due diligence without him being aware of what she is doing which can also minimise risk.

Unfortunately we are living in the days of tricksters. Men trick women and women trick men, but thank God, there are still men who are honest, caring, truthful, and trustworthy and they are looking for women they can trust.

There are women who are trying to find men who are truthful and genuine. They might not be easy to find, but they are around.

Some of these men are in the Church, but even in the Church, there are men and women who are not honest, and it should not be taken for granted that because they are in the Church that they would make good husbands or wives.


Many church brothers are lazy and their words mean nothing. They make promises they do not fulfill and they live off some sisters who are naive and eager for companionship.

Now, you can choose to close the door of your heart forever and suffer in silence. Or you can make it known that you are looking for a good man and go out on dates but not throw yourself around.

If you were to meet a man and the first place he wants you to take him is to your bedroom, then you know that that is not the man for you.

I do not know how old you are, but if you are over 45, you should always ask yourself the following questions: What is this man bringing to this relationship? Does he have his own home? Is he in dept? Does he pay his bills on time? Is he going to rely on me to support him? Does he have a retirement plan?

Does he have any major investment? Does he have a permanent job? Is he paying alimony and child support? What about his children? Are they in college? Where would both of you live? What about his health? Is his suffering from any major illness? Is he responsible for his parents? Do they live in their own home or in a nursing home?

If a guy is not willing to answer these questions truthfully, you should stop dating him and move on. If, however, you have gone to bed with him and you have discovered that he lied to you, it may cause you pain, but you should not excuse him and stay with him. Never trust a liar.

Therefore, I urge you to remove the wall from around your heart. Put a picket fence instead and a watch dog. You would be better off.


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