Worried about stepdaughter's sexual behaviour

February 13, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. I am living with a woman. We don't have children together, but she has a 15-year-old daughter. I don't have any problem with her daughter. She gets up and does her house chores, and she goes to school. Her school reports are not bad. I don't know if she has a boyfriend and I don't question her. I leave that up to her mother.

I have one son and he is nine years old. Sometimes he comes to see me. His mother drops him off. He calls my wife 'Aunty'. I don't make him stay over and I don't allow him to stay late, either. If he stays up to 5:30 p.m., his mother would start calling me and asking me, "Why don't you bring my son home?" He spent Christmas with me. That was because his mother wanted to go and visit her people in the country.

Pastor, this is the problem. My step-daughter is causing her mother and I some concerns. One night we went to bed and I woke up after hearing some strange noises in her bedroom. It sounded like she was having sex with a man. I went and looked, but there was no man in her room. I couldn't understand that. I told her mother what I had heard and what I had seen. She accused me of peeking on her daughter.

Pastor, I was not peeking on her, in the true sense of the word. I was only very concerned hearing these sound, and I was wondering if she would be so brave as to invite a man in our house to have sex. Her mother and I said that perhaps she was dreaming. So we decided not to ask her anything.

About a month after, the same thing happened. This time her mother was not sleeping, and both of us were in, bed. When we heard the sounds and the shaking of the bed, we knew something was wrong. The girl was even telling the guy that she loves what he is doing to her. Her mother jumped up and burst into the room and saw her daughter whining up on the bed. Her mother slapped her and asked what she was doing; and she said nothing. She asked her if she was having sex and she said, "No! A me alone in here". Her mother stayed there, questioning her, but the girl stopped talking after a while.

Her mother wanted to beat her but I told her, "No, the girl didn't do anything wrong". The mother believes that we should beat this thing out of her head.

Pastor, I want to hear your comments on this problem.


Dear B.B.,

Your woman would have done a very wrong thing to beat her daughter, having discovered that she was having a sex dream. It is normal for young people to have sex dreams. Some people, after realising that they have had such dreams, consider themselves immoral. But they are really not immoral. It is a part of growing up. Some psychologists say that just about everyone experiences it. Christian girls are quiet about it because they do not wish to be condemned by their religious peers.

Let it be known that even older women have found themselves, from time to time, having sex in their dreams and only waking up after they have reached orgasm in their dream. These are not bad women. These are good women. Some would tell you that the experience is not very bad, but it also bothers them because they wonder whether sanctified women should have such dreams.

Your stepdaughter is maturing very fast and her mother has to deal with her not as a child but as a woman. She must not condemn her. They must now have woman-to-woman talk all the time.


Other Tell Me Pastor Stories