My boyfriend saw evidence that I had sex!

April 19, 2016

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you with tears in my eyes. I am a regular reader of your column and I am faced with a bad situation. I have a boyfriend, but the relationship is not going right. Sometimes for the entire week, I don't see him, and he knows that I am in need. When I met him he promised that he would help me in school. My mother is poor and my father does not care. I have to pay to get to school every day and buy food. Sometimes when I call him, he doesn't answer, and when he answers, he says he cannot talk because he is with the boss. His boss is a woman and she is very strict.

Pastor, one weekend, my mother was cooking soup and the gas went out. I called him and told him and he promised to come, but he never came. I called one of my male friends and I told him about our plight and he came and took me to get the gas. I went out with him the Saturday night and we had sex.

My boyfriend went to my mother and asked her for me, and she told him that I was out with a friend and described the friend to him. He parked his car a little distance from where we live and waited until the guy dropped me home. He grabbed my bag and slapped me, and I begged him not to beat me. He took me to his house and saw evidence that I had had sex.

He took me home on Sunday morning and gave me half the amount of money that he usually gave me. I am worried. I don't want to lose him. The other guy called me and wanted us to go out again, but I am afraid. He brought me some money. I don't like him as much as I like my boyfriend, but I promised my boyfriend that I would never go out with him again.

Please help me.



Dear S.N.,

Your boyfriend is not a realist. Perhaps he has never been hungry. He needs to be more sensitive to your needs. He promised that he would take care of you, and he knows that you have taken him at his word and are depending on him for support. It is unfortunate, therefore, that at times when you call him, he does not respond immediately or soon after.

You made a mistake when you went out with this male friend and had sexual intercourse with him. However, that did not give your boyfriend the right to physically abuse you. You were wrong to do what you did and he was wrong to beat you.

I do not want you to misunderstand me, but I do know that when a person is hungry or in dire need, he/she may do things that they would not ordinarily do. The need was great not only for yourself, but also for your household.

One can hardly describe your boyfriend as a real man. Evidently, he was sure you had had sex, not because you confessed, but because he searched you. You have admitted that you were wrong, but you do not want to end the relationship with him. Evidently, he is willing to forgive you and you love him, so your act of indiscretion should be overlooked. However, I suggest that both of you go and see a family counsellor.

In the meantime, please try and get yourself a part-time job so that you will be in a position to help yourself and not totally depend on your boyfriend.

Concerning the young man who had sex with you, keep him as a good friend, but don't go out with him anymore, and don't take any money from him.


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