I hide and masturbate because of my wife


May 12, 2016

Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column for a long time. It helped me to learn how to behave as a man. I am married to a Christian girl, but I am not a Christian. Both of us fell in love and decided to get married. Her parents are divorced and living in the United Kingdom.

She and I did not want to live in fornication, so her pastor married us privately. She informed her parents about it after the wedding. Her mother told her that she was disappointed in her, but her father told her that he will support her. I talk to him on the telephone and he seems to be a nice man.

My wife is 23 and I am 24. She is working and more educated than I am. I took her virginity before we got married. Sometimes my wife gives me the impression that she is very happy. Sometimes she acts as if she is not.

Both of us are working. Our rent is $30,000 a month. I would like us to have a child, but she is not ready. Sometimes when I want to make love, she wants to be alone, and that goes on for two to three days per week. She has a stressful job, so I don't force her.

She doesn't like to travel on the bus. I take the bus. But she has a taxi driver who picks her up and that costs her a lot of money. When I try to encourage her to take the bus to save some money, she tells me I should not tell her how to spend her money and that I knew before I married her that she does not like to take the bus. Do you think that it is right for me to have a wife and I have to hide to masturbate? Please answer my letter. I will be looking for it in THE STAR.


Dear R.P.,

I am glad to hear that this woman and you are married. She got involved with you although you are not a Christian. And you have given the reason why both of you got married.

I believe that you should exercise patience with this young woman. She was not sexually active before you met her. You are her first sexual partner. You complain that sometimes she appears to be unhappy. Perhaps that is because she feels that you are demanding too much of her. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you anymore.

You see, sir, men need to understand (and I speaks generally here) that there are times when a spouse needs to be left alone. It could be to reflect upon some aspect of his or her life or just something that might be affecting him or her. A little space to relax and to consider what one is going through and how to overcome his or her problem is very important. It is not all the time a woman wants to be with her man, although they are living in the same house. You might be surprised to know that not all the time a man wants to sleep with his wife or a wife wants to sleep with her husband.


Whether it is right or wrong is not the issue that I am dealing with here. I am simply saying that there are times that people need their privacy to deal with themselves without anyone touching them or talking to them. It is a kind of private time. For example, a man may see his wife under a mango or almond tree in the shade alone. She is there for a long time. She doesn't need any company. That is her private time with herself. I am trying to say, therefore, that if your wife doesn't want you to touch her all the time or to make love to her, allow her time to rejuvenate. And I tell you, my friend, if you learn to allow her to bounce back; when she is ready to make love, you might find it difficult to 'manage' her. Now having said the above, I don't think that I need to comment on what you do from time to time when you wife is not in the mood to make love.


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