Wife doesn't want to have sex longer than five minutes


November 22, 2018

Dear Pastor,

I am 50 years old and I am married. I am nervous about writing to you, but I am trying to save my marriage. This is my second marriage. My first wife got involved with my friend. They had a secret relationship, and when I found out, she told me that she will not stop because what he is doing for her I can't do.

I am a farmer and the man she got involved with was a schoolteacher. What he could give her, I couldn't. But when the affair came to light, his wife decided to leave him, so he dumped my wife to save his marriage. I refused to take her back. We got a divorce. We have two daughters, and one of them told me that she saw the man and her mother in bed. She wouldn't lie on her mother.

I decided to change my life, and I became a Christian. I am now married to a woman from the church, but I am not happy. She doesn't want my children to come to the house, and she wants every cent that I earn. Although she attends church, she likes to dress up and do her nails and hair every week.

When it comes to sex, she doesn't want me to be on her for longer than three to five minutes. If I am on her for more than that, she asks me to stop, and sometimes she tries to push me off. I am not happy because sometimes I don't even get to a climax. Sometimes she says she reaches her orgasm.

Do you think she is interested in another man and that's why she limits the amount of time we should have sex?


Dear J.L.,

I want to encourage you to stay with your wife. I am sorry to know that your first wife disappointed you by getting involved with a man who was your friend. That must have been tough for you.

Perhaps your new wife does not like to have sex. You did not mention how often both of you make love. It seems to me that you may have to compromise with your wife. Some women do not like to have sex in certain positions. She does not want you on her for a long period. A man on top of a woman is considered 'the missionary style'. Have you ever considered asking her to go on top of you?

I am sure you know that there are so many ways a couple can enjoy each other. Please understand that it is not unusual for a woman to tell her man that she does not like him on top. Although some may use that as an excuse, a wise man should do his best to cooperate and to try other positions.

Do not get frustrated, cooperate with your wife. Before I go, let me mention that I was in a particular place and I heard a grown woman (she was probably in her 50s) talking openly that she has had so much sex in her lifetime that she could do without it now. So, there are some women who, at times, feel that they are only having sex to please their men and if they can do without it, the men should learn to do without it too. Men don't think that way. Men see that as rejection.


It is quite evident that you and your wife are not enjoying each other. It does not appear that she takes the initiative at all. When was the last time she undressed you? Perhaps the answer is zero. There isn't any passion in this relationship. What about the kissing, the foreplay and the tender touches? When last has she embraced you? Does she worship your body? Do you play with her toes and her breasts? Does she do these things to you? Do you know her 'secret zones'? Or are you just anxious to get on top and do your thing? If this woman does not want you on top, let her go on top or try the sitting position.

If your wife continues to push you away, you should tell her that you are willing for both of you to go to a professional (perhaps a sex therapist) for help. But, you can save that money if both of you would try different positions on your own. Your wife has to change her attitude towards you, and as a Christian, she has to learn that it is her duty to satisfy you sexually and it is your duty to satisfy her. The Bible teaches that sex is for pleasure. A couple should not only have sex because they want to have children. I am sure that you are not interested in having more children.


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