Mom wants me to marry foreigner

Dear Pastor,

This is the second time I am writing to you. I am 26 years old and I have been reading your column in THE STAR from I was about 15. I grew up with my grandparents. They were very poor. My mother was 17 when she gave birth to me. Soon after I was born, she told my grandmother that she would like to give me up for adoption because my father did not want me and she couldn't manage.

My grandfather told my mother that if she wants to go, she can go, but she should leave the baby with them and they would take care of me. My mother was glad to hear that. She went to live in Kingston with a man. The man was not treating her well, so she came home about a year after, but left again. She got a visa to go to the United States of America (USA) and she never looked back.

My grandparents struggled with me. I grew up in a board house with an outside bathroom. I was too ashamed to have my school friends visit me. My grandparents saw to it that I attended Sunday school.

I used to go to bush with my grandfather. He, sometimes, used to put me on the donkey with him. I should also say that I started to have sex early. One of my cousins used to stay at the house sometimes and he used to sleep on the bed with me, and he started to play with me. He threatened me that if I should say anything to my grandparents, he would kill me, so I never told my grandparents anything.

He was the first boy to have sex with me. I hate him very much, because at that time he was more than 17 years old. Now that we are adults, I don't talk to him because he should not have troubled me.

When I was 21 years old I met a man who told me how much he loved me. I told him that I don't want anything to do with a man. I told my grandmother about him. She told me that men would always tell me that; some will speak the truth, and some will not speak the truth. This man and I became good friends. One day he asked me if I ever had sex and I told him he shouldn't ask me that question because I am not interested in having sex with him.

There has been a major development in my life. My mother called my grandparents; they were very shocked to hear from her. She wanted to talk to me and when I heard her voice, I broke down and cry. She came to Jamaica to visit with her husband, but did not stay at the house. She asked me if I would like to go to the USA and I told her yes. She went back to America and then told me on the phone that there is a man who would love for both of us to correspond. This man and I have been talking. Sometimes he talks to me for hours. He wants to come to Jamaica and marry me. He is two years younger than I am. My mother says that he can be trusted.

I did not want to marry anybody who is younger than I am. He asked me if I have ever had sex and I told him yes. I know I cannot tell this man that my cousin and I had sex. He told me that he was never married and he would like us to get married this year.

I love my grandparents. If I migrate, I would like to send money so that they will be able to build a better house with bathroom and kitchen attached. I am very fortunate not to get pregnant, because I have had several relationships and I was not always careful to use protection. I will never stop reading your column. You are a very good counsellor.

W

Dear W.,

I am sorry to hear that you were sexually abused as a young girl, but I also understand how scared you were to report your cousin to your grandparents. Some people may not understand how difficult it is for young children to talk to their parents and guardians about what they are going through. You said that your grandparents were very poor and your cousin used to stay at the house sometimes and he shared bed with you. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, that is why he warned you not to say anything.

Your mother became sexually active when she was young and she became pregnant and, as a result, gave birth to you. I am glad that your grandparents took care of you. Now, your mother has come back into your life and she wants to offer help to you. She has introduced a man to you. Bear in mind that she cannot choose for you. You are still young. Make sure that you will not subject yourself to a business marriage. If this man truly loves you, time will tell. If you decide to marry him, make sure that both of you receive premarital counselling. I wish you well.

Pastor