I am not sure about a future with my man


December 10, 2015

Dear Pastor,

I am a 22-year-old female who has been with a man for almost a year. He is 42. I want to believe that he loves me but I don't believe him one hundred per cent. I want to leave him but I don't want to give up on a good thing. Please tell me whether you think this guy and I have a potential relationship.

He is not mean to me but whenever we have an argument, he neglects his duties. Things he would do when we are on good terms, he doesn't do when we are on bad terms.

He was a womaniser in the beginning of the relationship. He cheated on me twice and lied about it. I only heard about it from his babymothers, the two women he slept with.

He said that he only did it because he had doubts about me. He gives me money weekly. I usually hang out with my friends before I met him but ever since I moved in with him, it's like I can't go anywhere. If I should visit my family, he wants to take me there and pick me up.

If I am to go to a party with my girlfriends, he hides my phone or money. He even wets the clothes that I am to wear. He always does things to me and when I get angry, and talk about it he says I get angry over a simple matters. Pastor, when I do it to him, it's no longer a simple matter. I don't understand him.

Yes, I have my flaws but two wrongs don't make a right. Please tell me what to do. He is planning a marriage proposal sometime this month but I would like some advice because I might give an answer that I might regret.


Dear S.S.,

This man does not entirely trust you and it's a fact that you do not trust him entirely either. You have your doubts about him and he has doubts about you.

You seem not to understand that before you started to live with this man, you were not under obligation to tell him where you are going, but now that you are living together, he has a right to know where you are going, and with whom.

You should not expect to walk in and out as you please and neither should he walk in and out. You should know where he is going and with whom. Couples who live together cannot behave as if they are free and single and can do anything they want. A good relationship doesn't go that way.

Evidently, You and this man lack good communication. If you do not have anything to hide, you should be willing to tell him where you are going and he should be willing to tell you where he is going. You should not give the impression that you are hiding information and he should not give the impression that he is watching you.

Having said the above, let me add that every woman from time to time wants to go out and be with the girls. Nothing is wrong with a girl's night out. A man may want to be with the guys, play dominoes and have 'man-talk'. Any man who objects to a girl going out on her own from time to time is silly. Similarly, any girl who objects to a man going out with the boys from time to time is not using common sense.

However, your man needs to know how you are going to get home. I see no reason, if you are not sure about transportation, why you couldn't call him and have him pick you up.

If you have a ride and he trusts you, you should find your way home on your own. Before you accept his marriage proposal, both of you should meet with a family counsellor because both of you don't wholeheartedly trust each other.


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