Boyfriend didn't tell me he was married


July 19, 2018

Dear Pastor,

I am 28 years old and I am involved with a 30-year-old man. We have been friends for four years. Three of the four years have been fantastic years. This man lives in Miami, and I am in Jamaica, but I see him every other month. I thought he was the greatest man on earth. Although I am working, he saw to it that I had money, but I did not know that he was married. I could not believe that he could have kept his marriage as a secret. Now, I feel very angry that he has made a fool out of me. I am not as angry as I was when I first found out.

How did I find out, you may ask? I found a receipt in his pocket for something that he had bought for another woman. This woman was his wife. I spoke to him causally about it, and he thought that I knew that she was his wife, so he decided to come clean. He told me that he was divorcing her and both of them decided to move on without a fuss, and his lawyer is helping him to separate amicably.

I still love this man. He is the best man I have ever met, but I don't think I can trust him anymore. He does not have any children with his wife. I do not have children, either. He is begging me not to leave him. I would love to have a child. I am an educated woman. I have my little one-bedroom apartment here in Jamaica. He has a very good job.

He allowed me to talk to his wife. She told me that I should not break up with him because she had no intention to be reconciled with him. She said he is spoilt. She said he is a mama's boy, and he puts his mother before her in everything. She said that she heard that Jamaican women are very submissive to men, and make them breakfast, lunch and dinner, and she doesn't have any time for that; but if I am willing to do that for him, he may not cheat on me.

Do you think that I should give this man another chance? Please help me, pastor. I really need your advice.


Dear T.M.,

I do not know why this man did not tell you the truth when he first met you. And how was he able to keep this secret of being married for four years without your knowing. If you had not found a receipt in his pocket, it might have taken you many more months before finding out that he is a married man. How can you be sure now that whatever he tells you is the truth? Liars don't change overnight.

It doesn't appear that this man and his wife parted because of his cheating; there were other things that caused the marriage to break down. His wife told you that you should continue the relationship with him because Jamaican women take care of their men much better than other women because Jamaican women are willing to provide breakfast, lunch and dinner for their men. And she doesn't have any time for that. At least she is honest about that. She should have also added that Jamaican women try to keep their homes clean and tidy, even if they have children.


Many men complain that some of their foreign women (and I say some) are not very tidy. And the women love Jamaican men because oftentimes they can cook, and some even wash and clean.

What I am trying to say is that you should not ignore the advice of this man's wife. Don't throw him away. Don't put him in the dog house, but be very careful. Don't allow him to keep you in the dark anymore. After he has gotten his divorce, make sure that both of you go to see a family counsellor. Some people may say that you were naive and you should have known that this man is a trickster, but I want you to forgive yourself. You were very much in love with this man, and some men are very cunning and it is not always easy for a woman to know whether or not they are speaking the truth. Forgive yourself for the mistake you have made.


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