Parents say I am cursed for dating a married man


August 15, 2018

Dear Pastor,

I am sending greetings to you and members of your staff. I read your column every day. Keep up the good work. I am in love with a man who is 33 years old. I am 25. This man got married when he was 24, but the marriage has not been good. He and his wife live like 'puss and dog', so they broke up. We have been friends for the past three years. He is now filing for a divorce. When we first met, I was living at home with my parents, and they told me that a 'curse' would follow me if I got involved with a man who was already married.

One evening, we went on a date and met in an accident. My parents told me that I was being punished for going out with a man who was married. I told them that could not be so because he has not been sleeping with his wife. My father said he had been sleeping with me, and I am bringing curse on the family. So, to avoid arguments, I left my parents' home. That was something I did not plan to do, but I was forced to get out.

I stopped taking communion at my church because news got around that this guy and I are going out together. He is such a fine young man who made a mistake by marrying a woman who is not decent.

He said that the last straw that broke the camel's back was the disrespect he endured from his wife. They had an argument over money. She went into one of the accounts and withdrew some money and she could not tell him why, and he told her that she should not have taken out the money. She shocked him by turning around and 'skinned up' her bottom to him. She also told him what and what he should go and do with his mother. From that day, he has not slept in the same room with her.

They do not have children. They have separated. He is living on his own. He told me that I am the only woman he has been with since breaking up with his wife. I love this man. My parents and my church say that it would be wrong to marry him. Both this guy and I decided to write you. I am looking forward to an answer.


Dear F.E,

First of all, you should keep in mind that you are only hearing from this man who is in love with you. I am not suggesting that he is not speaking the truth. He might be speaking the truth about his wife, and if indeed she is so vulgar, it would be difficult for a decent man to remain with her. He would always remember what she did and how she insulted him by words and action. It would be mighty difficult to forgive his wife. However, I believe that some very sharp words were passed between the both of them, and he might have said things that 'cut' this girl to her bone and caused her to react in a such deplorable manner.

Whatever happened, she was out of control. No spouse should sink to such level of disrespect. I wish that we could hear from the woman. As I see it, this marriage is dead. They are not going to get back together. So, if both of you are determined to become husband and wife, you should plan to attend a series of premarital counselling before you say 'I do'. However, please remember that no marriage is guaranteed to last. Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman. And unless the couple is determined to live to please each other, the marriage cannot work.

Your parents have strong convictions about marriage and divorce. Don't look down at them as old fogeys. Marriage works well when two people are determined to let it work.


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