Feel like I will never have a woman

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you because I need some advice. I feel completely stuck, and it is impacting every area of my life.

I am a Christian, but I have been dealing with my urges by watching pornography, and I know it's not a healthy way to cope. I am 25 and have been at the same low-wage job since 2019. Every time I think about leaving, I talk myself out of it; I have even done interviews and been accepted for other jobs. But I tell myself that it's better to stick with a sure thing than to take a risk on the unknown.

That feeling of being stuck extends to my dating life, which is practically non-existent. I can't seem to approach women romantically. I always end up being a platonic friend, and sometimes women will even joke about liking me. I can't tell if they are serious or just teasing. I have no idea where to start, and it feels like everyone my age instinctively knows what to do. This has happened to me more than once. I had one close female friend who I had convinced myself for months that I didn't have feelings for. We would walk together after work sometimes. One evening as we were walking home, she told me she had to turn off to go talk to her new boyfriend. The news hit me like a ton of bricks; I was almost brought to tears on the spot. It was in that moment that I realised how much I cared about her.

It happened again with another girl. For about three years, we were very close. She was a kind Christian girl, who I am sure would have made an ideal wife. But I just couldn't get the words out. The longer I waited, the more ashamed I became of my inability to talk to her about my feelings. These are only two of many examples.

My uncle often sends me videos about guys who are good at this, but they just don't help. I come up with a lot of excuses for myself. I tell myself that I don't earn enough money or that I am just not the type of guy women are looking for. But then I see other men who are nothing like me, who might not make a lot of money either, and they have girlfriends. I am embarrassed at this sort of thing, so none of my family members really knows about it because I come from a lineage of 'gyallis' men on my mom's side.

I don't know where to turn with this job thing or wanting to get a girlfriend. Sigh.

Sincerely,

D.W.

Dear D.W.,

I have carefully read your letter and I do not have enough space in my column to answer you appropriately.

But I can tell you what you ought to do in a paragraph or two. You are what you think you are. If nothing is wrong with you physically, then you are having serious psychological and emotional problems, and you need professional help. You need to go to a medical doctor and ask for a referral to see a clinical psychologist. You should be prepared to pay that psychologist to care for you for a long time.

You may need psychotherapy, but I can assure you that you can get over your problems if you stop condemning yourself. As I said, you are what you think you are. You are only 25, so please do what I suggest and do so immediately.

Pastor