I’m in love with my side man

Dear Pastor,

I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and we have children together. I have mixed feelings, because I genuinely love him, but our relationship has become complicated and painful.

He has cheated on me and he messages other women. He also became unfaithful after I had his baby, which hurt me deeply. When he gets angry, he also hits me. Despite all of this, I still love him and find myself struggling to let go. During a difficult period in our relationship, I became involved with another man, who is also in a relationship. We developed real feelings for each other, and he says he loves me.

I know this situation is wrong but, emotionally, I feel attached to him too.

My biggest fear is that this man lives very close to me and he knows my boyfriend. So, even if I decide to end things, avoiding him completely may be difficult. I am afraid that seeing him will make it harder to move on, and that the situation could create even more problems for my family. I feel confused, guilty and emotionally exhausted. Part of me wants to leave everything alone and focus on my family, but another part of me feels attached to the other man.

I also don’t know how to deal with the fact that I love someone who has hurt me physically and emotionally.

Pastor, how do I break this cycle and make the right decision for myself and my children?

A.

Dear A.,

I would like you to explain to me what is it that you love about your children’s father.

This man has physically abused you and you know for sure that he has other women. Why did you choose to become involved with another man who is in another relationship? There is where you went wrong. It would have been better if you had sought professional help instead of going with another man who also has his family.

I want to warn you that, if you do not end the relationship with this man, Jamaica may read about you because it is likely that this man and your children’s father might get into a fight over you and someone may lose his life. You might not be spared either. I am not wishing for that to happen, but I have seen that time and time again. Just as how women don’t like to see men play with other girls, men don’t like to know that their women are giving them ‘bun’, as we commonly say in Jamaica.

So, although this man is living close to you, don’t call him, and, whenever you see him, make sure you keep your head and eyes straight. You say it would be difficult to avoid him; I am here to tell you that it can be done. I hope you have not taken any money from this man. I pray to God that this man is seeing this letter and that he would know that he has created much trouble for you by getting involved with you.

I am not condemning you, God forbid. I am only praying that you will use common sense and end the relationship with this other man. You do not want to leave your boyfriend because you love him. Perhaps you got involved with this other guy out of revenge. Well, you have got your revenge. However, I am not telling you to leave your boyfriend; I am saying go for counselling.

Believe me, if I can be of further help to you, please contact me.

Pastor