My man is killing me in the bedroom

Dear Pastor,

I am 37 and I am writing to you for your advice, although I know what you are going to tell me.

I have two children, one is 10 and the other is seven. Their father and I were in a relationship, but I did not know that he was married until after I had my first child. His wife found out about us and called me and told me that she was going to give me hell if I didn’t leave her husband. I told her that I was not the one she should be talking to. I also told her I did not know that he was married.

This man and I continued our relationship. He told me I could not leave him and he willfully got me pregnant again. When I realised I was pregnant a second time, I told my mother that I wanted to do an abortion. She told me that I was going to send myself to hell, so I should have the baby.

I was not aware that this man was planning to leave Jamaica. By the time I gave birth, he was gone. He stopped supporting me and the children. I didn’t have a number for him when he left. I did not know many of his relatives, but the ones I knew told me that they did not know how to contact him. I was really struggling because he used to help me a lot.

I got involved with a man who was 45. He and his wife were not getting along. He started to help me in every way. He gave me enough money to support myself and the children. I loved him so much that I would wash his foot bottom every day.

His divorce was eventually finalised. He said that it would be cheaper if we live together, so we got a two-bedroom place and we started living together.

I have a major problem with this man. He loves sex, but when we are doing it, sometimes he will be on me for an hour and not ejaculate. Sometimes I feel dried out down there, but he still won’t ejaculate.

I realise that this man is using something that prevents him from ejaculating. I searched the little pouch that he keeps in a drawer and I found a very small bottle. It has no label and every time we are to have sex, he goes into the bathroom and I know that he put something on his penis.

I am not enjoying the action. A couple of times I have fallen asleep while this man is either behind me or on top of me. I told him that I want the truth from him, about what he is using, but he has not told me.

I took a chance and went to one of my former boyfriends. We have sex and after 20 or 30 minutes, he ejaculated and I had an orgasm. But I know if this man I am living with found out that I went with another man, he would leave me. I cannot afford that, so please give me your advice.

O.

Dear O.,

I am sorry to know that your children’s father has not been supporting them.

Your letter reminds me of other men who have done the same thing. They have left their children and babymother in Jamaica and have not been sending them any help. Some have made sure that they cut all ties with these women. These are indeed very wicked men. But I say to the women all the time, God will deal with these men.

You say the man you are now with is a very good provider but you are not happy in the bedroom. I do agree with you, this man must be using something. I am old enough to tell you that I am well aware of what men can use. I will not print the names of these products. But I doubt very much that a man can go for such a long time during sex and not discharge. If you continue to yield to the temptation to go with one of your former boyfriends, and this man finds out, the relationship will come to an end and you know that very well. So, keep yourself quiet.

One of my counselees told me that her husband would be carrying on for a long time and she would fall asleep on him and allow him to satisfy himself. There must be ways that you can help yourself without going to another man. I hope that this man would have enough courage to tell you the truth and that both of you might find it necessary to make an appointment to visit a sex therapist.

Pastor