Boyfriend says I am not wife material

Dear Pastor,

I don’t like to think of myself this way, but I am a backsliding Christian.

I was baptised at 14, and I tried my best and remained intact until I was 24. It wasn’t like I desired to let things happen. I had two other boyfriends briefly after my first. When I turned 30, I stopped having sex. I was staying away from men and focusing on my Lord and my career.

A year ago, I met a well-known businessman. I didn’t know what I wanted with him as my intentions were to be married and start a family. Things quickly escalated between us, and I found myself spending a lot of time with him.

Financially, he supports me well. I got comfortable and started staying at his place. The truth is, it wasn’t for the sex, but companionship, as my family lives outside of town and I only have work and church associates. Gradually, after work, he started picking me up and going home to bed.

My vacation came up and I spent the entire month at his house. When he went to work, I lay in bed and then made myself useful around the house. The problem is that I can cook but I don’t always do it, and he found that to be a problem. He thinks that I am not wife material, so he asked me to go back to my hometown for my mother to teach me how to become a wife. He said I am not ready for “di wife ting.”

Pastor, I am well aware of what a wife should be doing, but I am not motivated. He thinks that I didn’t love or respect him. We got into a fight about his ex , and that caused us to break up. It has been a month, and he still calls and texts, but I don’t feel the desire to be with him. He is 48. The sex isn’t all that good, but I could settle as I don’t like sex much. He argues about me not wanting to explore ‘other options’, meaning oral sex. He curses me that I should keep my vagina and go back to God with it. Then he apologises each time and pretends like nothing was ever wrong between us.

Pastor, he is not a Christian. Should I try to work things out with him? I don’t want to be moving from man to man. I have been praying for a godly husband. I am 33 and I don’t have children. Do you think I need deliverance?

L.

Dear L,

You are wondering whether you need deliverance. What does that mean?

This man has made a fool of you because you made yourself available to him. Let me make it clear to you: when a man is in his mid-40s and you have a relationship with him, you should begin to wonder how come he is not married. This is a well-known businessman. The majority of the women know him. When you met him, you should have asked him what is so special about you that he wanted to be with you. I believe that you wanted this man more than he wanted you. You wanted his financial support, but you did not want to be burdened with cooking for him. This man wanted you to be more than a girlfriend.

When you were on vacation for a whole month, the man tested you and you failed. Instead of getting out of bed and preparing breakfast for him, you remained in bed, and in the evenings when he came home, you did not have hot meals prepared for him. That is why the man said that you are not wife material. That was a very crude way for him to tell you that you are not good, and that you should go back to your mother for her to teach you how to become a wife.

You have made some fundamental mistakes, but this man’s intention was to use you and dump you and he succeeded. You have your shortcomings, but he has not treated you well. You say you don’t like to have sex, but it didn’t bother you when this man wanted to have lots of sex because you did not believe that he can manage very well.

If this man had genuinely loved you, he would have worked with you. Both of you could have gone for professional help, but he wanted you out of his life. At the same time, he keeps in touch with you hoping that he can use you whenever he feels like. Don’t even try to get back into that man’s life. He does not want you back permanently.

You have made your mistakes, so ask the good Lord to forgive you. Do not stop asking the good Lord for a good man.

Pastor