Keeping sexual desire alive
So last week, we looked at rediscovering intimacy. I trust you have begun.
This week, we will talk about restoring the pleasure.
Increasing sexual desire in a relationship is possible but requires the crucial commitment of both people, especially after intimacy has broken down.
But to maintain a vital sexual life you have to commit time and
energy. In fact, the most important components in maintaining desire are to: function as a team dedicated to solving the problem; anticipate the sexual encounters, and be open to sexual experimentation.
In addition, it is important that you realise that sex is more than
intercourse and orgasm, so spend time kissing, holding touching and being together in intimate ways. Also, you must seek to maintain a regular rhythm of affection and
Now, we tend to want to blame our spouses when things go wrong, but a better approach is to see your part in the problem accept responsibility. Be committed to strengthening your relationship by enhancing your sexual life together.
One factor or one spouse does not cause a lack of sexual interest. Both people need to take responsibility and work together to break a deadlock and promote change. Regardless of what originally caused the problem, it is easier to break the cycle if you are able to talk about the sexual difficulty as a couple's issue. Viewing a lack of sexual desire as a couple problem reduces guilt, defensiveness and blaming.
Some marriages can survive in spite of low sexual desire or infrequent sexual activity. It is possible to have a good relationship without sexual interest or sexual drive. Over time, however, the lack of sexual desire becomes severe and chronic. Tension becomes more prevalent, and the intimate connection is lost or destroyed.
In these marriages, blaming and resentment builds until anger becomes a daily issue. Withholding sex can be a reaction to the anger of one's spouse. If lack of sexual desire has been an ongoing problem, dealing with anger may be the first step in restoring intimacy. Pointing a finger or blaming a spouse accomplishes nothing. Assigning blame only
intensifies a problem and divides a couple even further.
For many people, intimacy energises the marital relationship and promotes a sense of closeness and connection. The real test, however, is the ability to stay connected and emotionally connected during difficult times. Maintaining intimacy during difficult times is a sign of a viable relationship.
Conflict does not have to negate emotional closeness, and anger need not be a reason not to be
sexual. For most of us, it is extremely important to deal with conflict, anger and frustration outside of the bedroom. Healthy couples tend to find a way to resolve conflict and to deal with anger and hurt without sacrificing sexual intimacy.
At times, this may mean finding professional assistance with a problem rather than letting frustration slowly destroy a relationship.
Friends, there are no quick and easy solutions to maintaining sexual desire and sexual intimacy in a relationship. However, a few guiding principles might be important to keep in mind. Next week, we will delve into a few of those. Just remember that sexual contact should be fun and enjoyable.
If sexual desire is missing, it may be that sex has turned into work and effort.