Psychologist gives ‘silent aggression’ warning Urges parents to watch for changes in children’s behaviour

Aggression in children can be “simmering” long before it erupts into physical violence, a child psychologist has warned, urging parents to pay closer attention to subtle changes in behaviour as students return to classrooms.

Dr Orlene Brown-Earle said adults often look for obvious signs such as fighting or verbal outbursts and may consequently overlook less conspicuous changes that could signal a child is struggling.

“But it might be that it is passive aggression. It just seems like they are sulking and they are not cooperative,” she said. Her warning comes as the recent killing of a 13-year-old student in St James, in a case involving another 13-year-old, remains fresh in the minds of parents. The incident has raised wider questions about conflict among young people and what parents and educators can recognise before troubling behaviour escalates.

Brown-Earle said changes may sometimes be noticeable in a child’s temperament.

“They behave quiet, calm, and then you see this loudness presenting itself and they are not being assertive,” she said. Impulsiveness, acting without thinking, increasingly blaming others and withdrawal are among other behaviours she said parents should pay attention to. However, Brown-Earle cautioned against branding a child aggressive because of one argument, outburst or unusual episode.

“You have to see it over a period of time to make a decision that that is what it is, because a one-time event doesn’t mean that the child is aggressive,” she stressed.

That distinction, she said, makes knowing a child’s normal behaviour important. Changes become easier to recognise when parents are actively involved in their children’s lives rather than responding only when something goes wrong.

Brown-Earle said preventing conflicts from spiralling also requires children to learn how to manage disagreements long before they encounter them in the schoolyard.

“Conflict resolution begins in the home. We definitely want them to practise it there, so the parents have a big job to play in showing them how to resolve conflicts,” she said.

The lesson, she explained, is taught as much through what children observe as through what parents tell them. Parents should model staying calm during disagreements, keeping their voices “soft and steady” and actively listening instead of shouting, which she said can immediately make the other person defensive.

Children can also be taught to communicate how an action made them feel rather than attacking the other person. Brown-Earle suggested statements such as, “I feel upset when you do X”, rather than, “You always do X.”

“Don’t be in a hurry to get angry,” she advised. “Sometimes we wait until something reaches boiling point, and so, if that’s what we do, our children are going to practise that.”

Instead, she said, families should concentrate on finding solutions, resist bringing old grievances into new disagreements, and teach children the difficult practice of forgiveness. Brown-Earle also cautioned parents against instructing their children to retaliate physically when another student hits or provokes them.

“If you tell a child that, that means you are going to support the child in the inappropriate behaviour,” she said, adding that parents who teach retaliation should not be surprised when they are subsequently called into the school. Instead, she recommends teaching children to seek the assistance of a responsible adult when a conflict is becoming difficult for them to manage.

For Brown-Earle, paying attention to a child’s well-being also means looking beyond behaviour. She urged parents to remain involved in their children’s academic lives.

“Many of us, we just assume that our children are reading well and they are doing the math well,” she said. “Just like how in primary school we check the books, we need to do that again.”

Where a child has a known learning difficulty, she said, parents should find out what assistance is available through the school or community.

“It’s so sad that we have parents who don’t know their children can’t read,” she said.