Shenseea lyric sparks debate on elusive orgasms

A Shenseea lyric from her new single, saying that a man has never brought her to orgasm, has sparked a wider debate about female pleasure, communication and whether men should feel responsible when their partners do not climax.

Trisha believes that Shenseea is speaking for many women. She said enjoying sex and reaching orgasm are not necessarily the same thing.

“I think that’s something people confuse,” she said. But she believes another problem is that some men may have no idea their partners are not reaching orgasm because women sometimes conceal their dissatisfaction.

“Sometimes you don’t want to hurt the man’s feelings. So instead of saying, ‘That didn’t work for me’, you just allow him to believe everything was great,” she said.

If women are staying silent to protect male egos, Lenny admitted there may be some truth behind the concern.

“If my woman tells me I’ve never made her climax, the first thing I’m asking myself is, ‘What am I doing wrong?’” he said. “For a lot of men, whether we admit it or not, being able to please a woman is connected to how good we think we are in bed.”

But Lenny said a bruised ego would be preferable to having a partner continuously pretend.

“My ego might be bruised for five minutes, but I’d rather she tell me the truth. At least then I can ask her what she needs instead of walking around thinking I’m doing an excellent job.”

Marcia Laing, however, believes women must take some responsibility for their own sexual satisfaction.

“It’s my body. I have to understand what I enjoy before I can expect somebody else to understand it,” she said. “If I’m lying there pretending everything is amazing when it isn’t, I’m actually teaching him to continue doing the thing that isn’t working.”

For Laing, the responsibility therefore runs both ways.

“He has a responsibility to listen, but I have a responsibility to speak.”

Sharniel Brown also rejected the notion that a man should automatically know how to bring his partner to climax.

“Men aren’t mind readers,” Brown said. “If you don’t tell me what you like, how exactly am I supposed to know? Women aren’t all the same.”

Brown believes the conversation surrounding Shenseea’s lyric may therefore be focusing on the wrong question.

“Instead of asking why men can’t please women, maybe the question should be why couples are having sex but are still uncomfortable talking to each other about sex?”

But Ven Johnson argued that communication means little if a man is unwilling to listen.

“If she tells you what she likes and you ignore it because you think you know better, then yes, I would say you’re responsible if she’s consistently unsatisfied,” Johnson said.

She also challenged the belief that sexual stamina automatically translates into satisfaction.

“You can be doing something for 40 minutes and still be doing the wrong thing.”

Johnson also took aim at men whose egos prevent them from accepting direction.