Afraid to tell my son his father is a married man


December 20, 2016

Dear Pastor,

I have two children. My first child is for a married man, but I did not know that he was married when we started talking. When I went to him and asked him why he did not tell me that he was married, he said there was no need to because I never asked. My first child is a boy. He has my name, but I promised his father that I would not do anything to break up his marriage.

I had to tell my parents that he was married before I gave birth and my father told me not to let him come back to his house, so he never did. It was my father who took me to the hospital when the time came for me to have my baby. Everywhere I wanted to go, my father either took me or sent a taxi for me.


My son is now eight years old and he wants to know his father. I used to lie and tell him that his father is living in America, but I can't anymore because this man has broken up with his wife and is showing himself and wants to take out my son. My father said that I should wait until the boy is a little older and tell him everything. He'll be able to better understand what happened and why he is not carrying his father's name. I'm scared to tell my son the truth because last Father's Day when his sister called her father and told him that she has a gift for him and he came to see her, my son said that he was the only one without a father.

My father told him no, he had a father. He is playing the role of his father and my son said, "You are my grandfather."

Pastor, do you think that now that this man and his wife are not together, I should tell him about his father or should I do as my father said, wait until my son is older. Please tell me what to do.


Dear S.G.,

First, I want to congratulate your father for the help that he has given to you. You were quite naive when you met this man. You did not ask him whether he was marred. You took it for granted that he was a single man. Perhaps he might have done something or he might have said something that gave you the impression that there was no other woman in his life but you. But even if you didn't ask him whether or not he was married, he should have told you that he was married.

He should have been more responsible and not get you pregnant, but you should have protected yourself. It seems to me that you really loved this man because, even after he treated you with such disdain, you have not tried to embarrass him or to create problems between his wife and himself. This man is now willing to show himself, so to speak. You haven't said whether he supports this child quietly, but now he wants his name to be recorded on the birth certificate.


You have made yourself a liar by telling your son that his father lives in America. Your father is advising that you do not tell the boy the truth as yet. He believes that he is too young to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I respect the opinion of your father. But I say, tell your boy now and stop shielding this man. He does not need to be shielded. Free up your conscience. Your son will understand and he would love you for telling him.

An eight-year-old child understands very well everything around him. And even if he does not fully grasp the magnitude of the problem, he would at least know that his father is very much alive and living in Jamaica, and he can see him at any time.

Take good care of yourself, lady. Let me hear from you again.


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