I have never had an orgasm


January 03, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I am 34 years old and I was married for five years. I was never the run around type. I experimented with sex when I was 18 years old. I lost my virginity then.

I met my husband when I was 22. By that time, I had two different boyfriends. My husband was a good lover. We have two children, but Doc, there is something missing when it comes to sex. I have never had an orgasm.

When I started having sex, the guys would ask me if I was satisfied and I would say yes. When I met my husband and started to have sex with him, he put the question another way. He said to me, "You cum?," and I asked him what he meant. He said, "If you cum you would know."

My mother and I have a very close relationship and I decided to discuss the matter with her. I did not want to talk to my female friends. I told my mother what my husband asked me, and she said my husband is right.

I decided that I would read up on this thing. The more I read about orgasm, the more I realised that I have never had the experience. However, I was satisfied in having good sex. I asked my doctor what was wrong with me and he said maybe my husband was not doing something right.

So I started to blame my husband, and he told me that he has had sex with other women and some of them experienced orgasm when he sucked on their breasts. So I told him that he probably should play with mine longer.


I had a very close male friend. He was just a friend at the time. One day I spoke to him about it and he convinced me that I could experience an orgasm if I had sex with him. I told him I would never cheat on my husband. From the time we had that conversation, he kept asking me if anything has changed. I told him no.

I had to attend a graduation and this friend was going also. I decided to try with him. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was desperate. I parked my car at the graduation, spent a short time there and left with him to a hotel.

He did everything to me. He was the first man I had allowed to see me naked since I got married. I enjoyed having sex with him. We fooled around for over half an hour in foreplay. He kept saying, "relax, relax, relax."

I got relaxed and I enjoyed him. He ejaculated in me, but I did not have an orgasm. I felt so disappointed in myself that I took the chance to go with another man, but nothing happened.

You are the only person, apart from that man, who knows what I did. Long after, I was reading your column and saw what you said about some women who are non-orgasmic. I did not know that before.

I thank you for the answer you gave the person who wrote to you. I feel free in writing this letter because my husband and I are not together anymore. We are divorced. So if he sees the letter, he can only suspect that it is coming from me.

I have another man in my life now and I don't think of orgasms anymore. Thank you for the good job you are doing.


Dear L.K.,

According to statistics, "As many as one in three women have trouble reaching orgasm when having sex. And as many as 80 per cent of women have difficulty with orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Clitoral stimulation during intercourse can help, but so can medical treatment. Female sexual dysfunction, which encompasses the inability to orgasm, is very common - as high as 43 per cent, according to some surveys, and has been a topic of much debate and medical investigation."


According to Doctor Ed Wheat, some women are very slow to reach orgasm, some rarely reach orgasm and some may never have an orgasm. Sometimes a woman can solve this problem by physical exercises. Her husband and her can do these exercises together.

I only wish to say further that although a large number of women have problem reaching orgasm, only a small number can be described as non-orgasmic. Training can do a whole lot to cause a woman to experience sexual pleasure which, ultimately, will result in her having an orgasm.

You blundered when you decided to go with another man with the hope of experiencing orgasm. It is something you would never forget. You will always regret doing so. When you could not reach orgasm with your husband, both of you should have sought professional help. Your male friend, who assured you that by having sex with him you would experience orgasm, was only fooling you. All he wanted was to have the opportunity to have sex with you.

People will make mistakes. I hope that you are not numbered among the very small group of women who can be described as non-orgasmic. But having said the above, let me quickly add, some sex therapist do not believe that there is a class of women who are non-orgasmic. They believe that every woman can learn to reach orgasm if they practise certain methods, which I will not go into here.


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