Having suicidal thoughts over my pointless life
I am a regular reader of your column, and although I don't always agree with you, you've given wonderful advice. I have been experiencing some emotional challenges in my life and I know most of my challenges are self-inflicted by the choices I have made. I really don't know where to begin explaining my problems to you. I don't usually share my problems with others, but I've been struggling with a decision I fear I'll put into action.
I know it may seem selfish, and I know it might inflict heartaches and pains on my love ones, but I can't help but think that life would be easier and the burden others may see me to be would be lifted. I know I only feel this way because of the heartache and pain I feel. I've fought everyday to challenge this decision. I thought for sure that I'd be doing everyone a favour but each time I try, I just break down and cry. I've tried very hard to hold myself together so no one would notice the pain hidden beyond my smiles.
Growing up, I've always felt like a burden to everyone. I felt life would be easier for my parents if they never had me. I would cry myself to sleep every night as I reflected on my life and all the choices I've made. I began to question my existence. I kept trying to figure out what my purposes were, but I just couldn't figure it out. I can't help but think the Lord might be angry with me when I stopped attending church a few years ago. I started to wonder if maybe I had kept going to church, I would have made better decisions. I know you'll encourage me to pray and I have been praying. I've even asked friends and family members to remember me in their prayers, even though I haven't shared my issues with anyone.
I really don't think others might be able to understand the challenges I'm faced with. I've often considered seeking a friend in Jesus, but I feel so much as if He might not hear my call. Just before I take fatal actions, I've decided to contact you. I believe you can be more of a friend than other people. I feel as if my world is falling apart. I really don't think I'll be able to find the strength of making it through another day, but I'll try to hold on longer, although it isn't easy. I know people are out there who maybe experiencing worse than I am.
I've often try burying my feelings by working longer than usual to avoid dealing with the anguish of what I've lost. I can't help but think this should be the end of my journey. I anticipate your support. Thank you.
Dear Initial Withheld,
I have carefully read your letter and it seems to me that what you are saying is that you have been disappointed in life. You are very depressed and you have been tempted over and over to take your own life. You believe that suicide will bring an end to the inner struggles that you have been having. You have not said that you have sought any professional help. When I say professional help, I am talking about going to see a psychologist or family counsellor to help you deal with the issues that have taunted you all your life.
Therefore, at the risk of being condemned for what I am about to say, I would like you to take that first step of making an appointment to see a professional before your condition deteriorates further. Although your letter is long, you have been very evasive. Remember, please, understand that you will not get the help that you need unless you are willing to talk to people who are trained to deal with certain issues. Therefore, I urge you to have sessions with a psychologist.
In the meantime, please find solace in reading the Psalms. I highly recommend Psalm 37 to you.