My boyfriend is forcing me to get a new man


May 09, 2017

Dear pastor,

I am 19 years old. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for one year and some months now. It happened that he relocated to get a job, and I also relocated to get a job to help myself to go to college. As it turned out, we both relocated to the same area, so we are living close to each other.

Things have turned out to be so bad for me, pastor. This guy that I have been with has now started to ignore me. For months I have not got a call or text from him. When I do reach out to him, he tells me he wants to have space. Since relocating, I visited him only twice. I have relocated for eight months now. I had never cheated on this man before, and he was my first boyfriend.

I met someone at work, and we were friends until he decided that he wanted us to be more than that. I accepted, and we started dating.


Pastor, this guy became my happiness, and I have grown to love him. I told him all that I have been through with my previous boyfriend. He said he will never do these things to me, neither will he hurt me. Pastor, I was so happy with him until he started changing on me. We hardly text or see each other. When I talk to him about it, he says he has to work and he can't be texting me 24-7.

Pastor, I do understand that he is not able to talk to me 24-7, but I can never call his phone and get through to him. He only calls me whenever he wants me to come and visit him. Otherwise, he only texts me when I text him.

He said that I am stressing him. He also said I have become a pest in his life. I don't see how I am pestering this man. I don't ask him for anything. He has never given me anything, because I don't depend on anyone. All I want is for him to show me that he cares. He said I want too much. I do know that I am just coming out of a relationship and I may have expectations, but pastor, he is wrong. I only text him and say hi and such and ask if he is OK.


I heard him talk on his phone to girls, and when I asked him who it was, he said that I should not ask him anything. I love this guy so much. I love when he touches my body and I love when he holds me. He is very good in bed, and he is better than my previous boyfriend. But, pastor, after we have sex, he turns his back on me and goes on his phone. When I ask him why he does that, he says that he can't live up to my expectations, because I want to be cuddled. He also says that he has many things that he wants to take care of and he can't manage any distractions.

He told me I should explore my options. He thinks I should get a new man and keep him as the side man, or just get a new man. Pastor, when he said these things, all I could do was to burst out in tears. He saw me crying and asked if I am stupid and if I have tears to waste.

I love this man with all my heart. I really wanted this relationship to work. I have been with two men, and I have decided that if this relationship doesn't work, I am done with men.

Pastor, please help me. What should I do?


Dear C.C.,

I can see that you are a very genuine girl, but you are naOve. Your first boyfriend did not treat you well. He was never in love with you, but you were in love with him and you tried your very best to show him that you loved him. What you did not know is that this man was with you for what he could get. You were not only naOve, but you were inexperienced. You didn't understand that some men are cunning. When he got enough of you and you were trying to hang on to the relationship, he treated you with disdain. When he left you, you could not believe that he was gone.

Your present boyfriend got all he wanted out of you. You don't understand how to handle relationships. You said you told him everything about your past relationship, which was a big mistake. A woman should not tell men everything about her former lover or lovers. It is likely that when they have disagreements, they would curse her and tell her that she is no good, and that is why her former lover or lovers did not treat her well.

The second mistake you made was that you became sexually involved with this man too soon. You did not give yourself enough time to get to know him well and for your heart to heal from the hurt you suffered from your former relationship. You thought you were ready for a new relationship, but you were not. And like the first, this man was not in love with you, but you were in love with him. He doesn't care about you at all. You are only one of his women. He uses you conveniently, and that is why he told you that you can go and find another man and keep him on the side.

I suggest, therefore, that you end the relationship with this man forthwith. This relationship, like the first, isn't going anywhere. No man who wishes his girlfriend well would encourage her to find another man and keep him on the side.

You are only 19 years old. You have lots of time before you. Please go back to school and get some subjects and pursue a career. I will be praying for you.


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