Don't want to get to know my birth mother


May 24, 2017

Dear Pastor,

This is the first time I am writing to you and I hope you can help me. I am confused. I grew up with some people who took me from my mother because my mother told them she wanted to give me away as she couldn't support me.

And from the time my father got her pregnant and she told him, she never saw him again. She didn't even know his real name.

The people who took me and raised me treated me well. My adopted father was a farmer and my adopted mother was a basic school teacher. My father was rough, but kind.

When he roughed me up, my mother used to tell him not to rough me, and he said to her he didn't want me to grow soft as a girl. They had two daughters and one son, but he was the last child.

Some people didn't know I was not their real son. Some who didn't know called me a 'jacket'. They said I look different from the others.

I didn't like when people called me 'jacket', but my father made a joke of it and told me that I am bright so he will proudly take me anywhere with him.

I never saw my real mother until I was 18 years old, and she had five more children. I didn't know what to say to her. She hugged me and cried.

My father called me into his room and said, "Be nice to your mother," and he gave me $3,000 to give to her.

She said she had been looking for me for years. I told her she shouldn't come back to see me, I will find her when I am ready.

Pastor, I cannot encourage her to come to these people's home. She gave me away. She wasn't even dressed properly when she came to the house. She is living with a man and my 17-year-old sister is pregnant, and she is proud of that. I wish I didn't know them.

I have a girlfriend and it is the people who grew me that she knows as my parents. Now she would think that I am a liar.

My real mother calls and asks me for things. My adopted mother told me that it is left to me if I want to help her. I don't consider her to be my mother.

My adopted parents don't ask me for anything. I don't believe I should suddenly recognise these people and leave the only parents and brother and sisters who showed me love. I hate to think of them.


Dear J.D.,

What happened to your mother is not unusual. She got pregnant by a man she hardly knew. She didn't even know his correct name. This sort of thing has happened to many women.

It is unfortunate that your mother was so careless as a young woman.

That was indeed a mistake, but consider what she could have done with the pregnancy. She could have aborted it. She could have given birth and killed the young child, and she could have given up the child for adoption. She chose the latter. She didn't go through the formal process of adoption, but she gave you to a family who could take good care of you. And everything has turned out well for you.

You ought not to hate this woman. And your adopted parents would never encourage you to do so.

You may not consider her to be ambitious, but she is still your mother and whatever you can give to her, do so with pleasure. Don't reject her.

Tell your girlfriend the truth. She would understand. You have had great adopted parents (I hate to use the word adopted). What would life have been without them? May you never be ungrateful to them.

Give a hand to your pregnant sister, and a little to your biological mother. Blessings will follow you, young man. Yes, it will.


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