Can't trust my husband and his child's mother
I need your help. I am a regular reader of your column. I never thought the day would have come I would write to you for advice.
Sometimes when I read your column I say to myself that these girls are so foolish but now I seem to be the foolish one.
I am 31 and married. My husband is three years older than I am. He is a very romantic man. He had a babymother before we got married. He told me the relationship was over. She told me the same thing. I didn't see him doing anything to give the impression he was still having sex with her. I was so stupid.
He has a credit card. He got it through me. Right now he is not working and, without telling me, he bought her some items. When I saw the credit-card statement and I asked him why he had spent that amount of money and not working. He said she ran out of a few things so he helped her out.
I asked him what he did with cash that he got off the card. He said she also needed money.
Pastor, this man is still having a relationship with his child's mother and I have good reasons to believe he had sex with her. I told him I want him out of my life. He said he is not leaving.
I took the credit card he had and cut it up. I called the girl and asked her if she and my husband went out. She told me it was none of my business.
Don't you think it is my business, Pastor? We do not have children together but we are trying to have one. I have been begging him to tell me the truth.
But all he is saying is I am blowing this thing out of proportion.
I took this man off the street, almost. He came to stay in Kingston with relatives and some of them were involved with drugs so he couldn't stay there. He is a good mechanic. I got him to work on my car and, from one thing to the other, we became close. I was in church, so we got married.
Do you believe I should forgive this man, although he has not admitted he has been having sex with his child's mother?
I told him to go to the doctor get a certificate to show he has not picked up any disease and he said that I am too ignorant. Only after I see the certificate will I start having sex with him without the condom. I bought a whole box of it. They are right under our bed. We will have to use them unless he goes to the doctor and I am satisfied he is clean.
What your husband did was wrong. If he felt he should assist his child's mother, he should have done so with his own money.
If he had no money he should have told her he was not in a position to do so. If he felt the credit card had to be used, he should have discussed it with you first.
I cannot believe he is so naive to think you would not have found out that he had used it.
On the other hand, I want you to learn a few things. By helping this woman, he was also supporting his child because, if she needed food and he had bought food for her, he was technically supporting his child.
Whatever he has done for this woman, he was supporting his child, indirectly. By using his credit card, he was borrowing money. No man should borrow money to support an 'outside' woman. However, I am sure you would not have objected to him assisting if you felt that she was in dire need.
Some people might say you are very hard on him by insisting he goes to the doctor to get a certificate he has not contacted any STDs.
I beg you, however, not to be too hard on him. He has made costly mistakes. You have to be firm but, at the same time, not give the impression that you do not care about how he feels.
Make sure you do not treat him as a boy. Perhaps you should make an appointment to see a family counsellor together.