I can't get pregnant after having an abortion


May 16, 2016

Dear Pastor,

Please keep up the wonderful work that you are doing. I enjoy reading your column and I hope that you can help me by giving me some advice. I am 27 years old. I started to have sex when I was 16-plus. My boyfriend was 26. He was living with a woman, but he was always saying that he would soon get her out of his life because she was too miserable.

We started out as just good friends because he was giving me lunch money. There were times I didn't go to school because my mother did not have any money to give me to pay my fare. But when I met this man, I went to school every day. He treated me well, but he beat me one day when I went out with one of my male friends. I did not have sex with this guy, but he still beat me and told me that he didn't trust women. I could not do a thing about it because I wasn't supposed to have a boyfriend. After he beat me, he had sex with me and we made it up.

One day, my mother asked me where I was getting money from to pay bus fare every day to go to school. I lied and told her that I was doing a little job on the school compound and I get $3,000 every week. She swallowed my story and I went about my business. Pastor, the little job I was doing was having sex with my boyfriend because he gave me $3,000 every weekend.

One day, my neighbour and my mother were having a fuss and my neighbour said to her, "Tan deh, you have the biggest whore in your yard" and that I would bring some 'belly'. My mother told her she was jealous of me. I don't know how, to this day, my neighbour knew that I had a boyfriend.

This man got me pregnant when I was 18. My mother knew I was pregnant before I could tell her. She did not want me to carry the baby. My boyfriend wanted me to have the child. It was after I got pregnant my mother got to know him. He has two children. He gave my mother the money for me to have the abortion.

I have a boyfriend now and I want to have a child, but I can't get pregnant. The guy who got me pregnant went away and got married to another girl, so we broke up. I have never told my present boyfriend that I had an abortion. People tell him that he should leave me because I am barren.

I have a good job and my boyfriend has a good job. He says he would marry me, but I have to get pregnant first. If I don't get pregnant by the time I am 30, I will not try to have a child again. I would adopt one, but I would leave my boyfriend. He asked me if I would allow him to go out and get another girl pregnant and I take the baby, I told him no. Sometimes I cry because I wonder if I am been punished for having an abortion. Do you think that it was the abortion I had why I can't get pregnant?


Dear T.S.,

I do not know why you are not able to get pregnant at this stage of your life. I am assuming that you have been to doctors and they have tried to help you. I don't know whether the abortion has affected you and therefore you are not able to conceive. I can understand how you feel. I have counselled many women who have had abortions and, unfortunately, never got pregnant again.

I have always encouraged young women to carry their pregnancies if they knew that they were not raped or they were advised by their doctors that their lives were in danger. Or if their pregnancies were not a result of incest. When people have consensual sex and it result in pregnancy, they should not terminate the pregnancy. Of course, that's how I see it. Lots of people would not agree with me. They say a woman has the right to do whatever she wishes with her body. However, I have seen women come to my office and 'bawl' after having abortions.

You have never told your boyfriend that you have had an abortion. I must admit that I am not sure at this stage that you should divulge that information. However, if you wish to tell him, you must make that decision on your own. You may tell him and he may walk away from you and call you a deceiver and tell the world that you terminated a pregnancy. And you may find that difficult to bear.

On the other hand, if he loves you, whether you have a child or not, he should marry you. And both of you should continue to try to have a child. Before I go, let me say, you started out as a young woman who was a trickster. You knew you lied to your mother about getting money from your school, and she believed you. But your boyfriend was a wicked man also. And he put you into the unfortunate position that you found yourself. I want to assure you that if you never had a child, you can still live a very happy life. Lots of women who have never conceived are happy women. Some can be called mothers, although they are not biological mothers. They have taken care of other people's children as if they were their own. And these children have grown up to love them dearly.


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