He is a deadbeat dad but wants me to get pregnant


June 09, 2016

Dear Pastor,

I have been a huge fan of yours and I always read your columns. You give great advice and I always try to learn as much as I can from you.

This is my first time writing to you. I am 24 years old. I am very careful of my decisions, so that is why I desperately need your advice. I live overseas and I do not have children.

I have a boyfriend here and he is a good person, but he has three children with three different women; however, he does not think one of the kids belong to him. He asked the girl several times to get a DNA test done, but she does not want to go through with it.

That could mean that she is not sure the child is his, as well as it could be that she feels disrespected by the fact that he does not think it's his child. I have nothing to say on that because I don't know what happened with them.

He sends money to Jamaica for his other two kids, but not for the one he doubts. I hate the fact that he does not want to send money for that child and denies that the child is his.

I wish that the mother would allow him to do the DNA test, because it's unfair for this child to grow up without a father. He said she was with another man while she was with him.


He keeps asking me to have a child with him. I am not sure if I want to because of his past. He said it's unfair to judge him based on his past and that he loves me very much. We have been together for 10 months. I think he is rushing things.

He said he loves kids and it's just unfortunate that the previous relationships didn't work because he wants kids around him and he wants a family with me.

I am very independent; I live on my own and pay my own bills. I have a stable job, but he is also very kind to me. He is also very lazy and sometimes I have to force him to take a shower. He has improved a lot with his 'nastiness'. Nonetheless, he is a good person and I love him.

I have another guy that I have been on and off with for about six years. When he didn't have a job I helped him out as much as I could, but I did not fully support him. He lives in Jamaica. He was very wild when we were younger and was afraid to settle because, as he explained, he thought I deserved better.

Over the years, we've been mostly friends and on-and-off lovers. Now, he is in a stable job. He does not have children. He is 24 and the other guy is 24 as well. He wants me to move back to Jamaica. He said he knows that it is not easy to get a job in Jamaica, but he wants us to get married and have kids and he will take care of me. However, he is talking to another girl. He told her about me. He said she loves him, but he loves me and does not hide anything from me. He still lives with his mom, but he said if I return to Jamaica he would find a place for us to live.

To move back to Jamaica would mean starting over for me. I don't want to go there and have to dependent on him. I don't know how soon I would get a job. I am so confused. I don't know who to choose, but I love this guy more than the guy I am with now. Please respond to me.


Dear Confused,

I believe that you mean well, but you are not using common sense. From what you say, these men consider you simple. This man who has three children, but is only supporting two, is trying to make a fool of you. He is lying to you. He is telling you what he believes you would want to hear. I do not believe that he is the type of person that would make you a good husband. He would want you to be his babymother, but you want more than just to be a babymother.

This man is complaining to you about one of his children's mothers. If he seriously wants to know whether he is the biological father of the child, he could come to Jamaica and settle that matter easily. Until he does so and has solid proof that he is not the father of one of his children, he should continue to support all of them.

It is amazing that you love a nasty man. Why can't you wake up? How can you be in a relationship with a man who is not only nasty, but lazy? Shame on this man, and shame on you.

Concerning you and the other guy who is living in Jamaica, you say he has stopped playing the field and that you love him more than the nasty man. I hope that you won't take his advice and return to Jamaica to nothing. You don't have a job in Jamaica. And this man is still living at his parents' home. Why are you allowing these men to take you as a 'poppy show'? You should drop both of these men. Neither of them deserves you. You are a good girl, but these men are making a fool of you.


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