My boyfriend wants sex, but I am a Christian


June 05, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I am 23 years old and I need your advice. I grew up in the Church, but when I was 19 I got involved with a man who was dealing in drugs. He tried to get me to smoke, but I didn't like it. He gave me lots of money and I used it to help myself and my mother.

I have a younger sister and my boyfriend went after her, that was when I turned my mind against him. He threatened me, but I also threatened him. I told him that I would report him to the police for dealing with drugs, so we broke up.

My mother is very poor and I don't know my father. Before my mother became a Christian she used to prostitute herself, but she made us go to church.

I met another man, he is 33 years old. When we met, he told me that he was married but he and his wife were not getting along. I checked him out and I found out that he was speaking the truth.

We became friends but I had already dedicated my life to God, so I told him no sex. He asked me how he would manage. We fooled around each other, but he did not penetrate me. That was our agreement.


We have sexual fun all the time. I go to his house and sleep with him, but he has never put his penis in my vagina. We do oral sex on each other. He masturbates until he reaches his climax. Both of us masturbate each other. He is a good man.

His wife found out about me and threatened to come into my church to scandalise me. She went to my pastor and told him that I took away her man. I had to explain everything to the pastor and he prayed with me. But I did not tell him what we do in bed. I only told him that we don't have sex.

This man is now sending me back to school. He has filed for his divorce. Sometimes I can see it in his eyes that he wants to have sex, but I keep reminding him about the promise that we made to each other; No sexual intercourse until we are married.

I know what to do to let him ejaculate and when that happens, I wipe him up and hug him until he falls asleep.

This man admitted to me that since his wife broke up with him, he had sex with one other girl. He has been attending church with me. He asked his wife for a divorce but according to what his lawyer told him, he has to wait a couple of more years. He wants to get baptised, but the pastor told him that he would only baptise him after he gets his divorce.

Sometimes I am so confused. I always hear girls talk about oral sex and wondered what it was like. Now I do it so much and he does it to me so much, we could open a school and teach it.

We don't live together, but we see each other almost every day. I know he is not seeing any other woman. Every weekend we are together. I cook and clean his house. I can't manage the washing, so he pays somebody to do that for him.

What advice can you give to a young girl like me?


Dear L.I.,

I am not here to condemn you, but I wish to remind you that you are totally responsible for whatever you do. I know that you are poor and that you need help and this man has come into your life. And evidently, he is meeting your needs financially and otherwise.

From what you have said, he is a man with tremendous self-control and I will go further to say, he respects you.

Some men would not tolerate a woman who would not have sexual intercourse with him, especially when he is capable of functioning. I am glad he is not forcing you to have sexual intercourse with him. But I am wondering whether he can keep that up.

Oral sex is risky although it might be considered enjoyable to some couples. Regardless of how you look at it, this man is still married, so I cannot sanction whatever way both of you are having sex.

Nevertheless, I repeat, I will not condemn you.

I hope that the divorce will be finalised very soon. He will have his divorce and then both of you can get counselling, get married and move on with your lives. But both of you should continue to go to church. Expect this man's wife to say nasty things about you. Whenever you need spiritual guidance, go and talk to your pastor.


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