I can't marry him because he is too old


June 07, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column for many years now, and I must say that I appreciate the fatherly, unbiased advice that you have been giving. I am a young professional in my early 20s. I have been with my partner for the past five years. He is more than 15 years my senior. He recently proposed to me and I accepted. But I now find myself having second thoughts for a number of reasons.

I seem to be unable to become pregnant. Therefore, I don't think it would be fair for me to not be able to share a child with him. Also, I am sometimes bothered by the difference in age, as I think it contributes to his low sex drive, in addition to his drinking and smoking.

There is also the issue of seeing naked pictures in his phone, frequent calls to these women (the ones that are in the pictures) and lengthy WhatsApp conversations. Aside from these issues, he is a nice person, and he treats me well. He has many qualities that I admire. He is ambitious and easy-going.

I am very confused as to whether I should stay or go. Please tell me what to do. Also, can you refer me to the best place that deals with infertility?


Dear T.A.,

Evidently, although you have not become pregnant by this man during the time that both of you have been cohabiting, that is not bothering him at all. He is willing to marry you. The question that I would like to ask you is: Why are you blaming yourself for not becoming pregnant? Why do you believe that you are at fault?

When was the last time you and this man talk over this matter? Did you raise the questions with him that you have raised in your letter to me? You talk as someone who is looking for reasons to leave this man. I might be wrong, but it seems so to me. Why, at this stage in the relationship, are you raising the age difference? You knew that before you went to live with him. Is it that at the time you needed a place to live and this man was in a position to help you, so you grabbed the opportunity?


This man is not too old to get you pregnant if he is in good health. If he is suffering from diabetes and is overweight, etc, these things can be contributing factors. Both of you can work on these problems with the help of doctors.

You talk about this man having a low sex drive. If he is having physical and psychological

problems, it would affect his

ability to have sex.

I repeat, both of you should work with your doctor. Follow his/her advice.

I also suggest that you and this man go to see a family counsellor to discuss the issues that both of you are facing. This man loves pornographic material. Evidently, he takes pleasure looking at them; and he likes to hold slack conversation with women. You are upset over these things.

Don't condemn him. Try to find out what's going on. A marriage counsellor or psychologist can help both of you to resolve your problems.


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